Plain and simple.

i have this horrible habit. Whenever i get overwhelemed i shut down. i sit at home, ignore phone calls, and am only able to focus on one or two things. Usually work related with the occassional hobby i.e. a book or a computer game. i'm there right now. Completely overwhelmed with some of the stupidest shit in the world. i was sitting at dinner tonight and after a glass of wine i began to vent for the first time in what seems forever. Just rant and rail about everything that has been bothering me for the past six months of so, and how they have all been adding up to a giant pile of shit sitting on my shoulder. i realized that i have no desire to deal with these things, no matter how important they are. i feel like i physically and mentally cannot deal with them. i just want to brush them under the rug and focus on school. i want a 4.0 this semester. i want to buy a car. i want Armijo to be successful. Those are my goals as of right now, and with all of the random clutter floating around in my brain i have no idea where to start. i know that in my brushing away of the dumb shit i could put myself in a really bad situation in the future. i'll probably regret not dealing with some of these things, but i know my capabilities as a person. i'm stubborn. Probably one of the most stubborn people i know. As a result i alienate people because i am not big enough to admit when i'm wrong or when i think i'm right, or more importantly when i know that i have done NOTHING wrong. i feel like there are certain people that blame me for some things that are going wrong in their lives. i can see how i would become the easy scapegoat. Knowing all of these things doesn't infuriate me, it simply makes me sad. i like things to be perfect, but i don't want to work on fixing things. i like them to just buff themselves out. In reality i know this isn't possible. But i don't have time to dwell on this shit anymore.

Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.

So i'm pretty sure that i've elaborated on the fact that i LOVE postsecret.com. Today a great secret was posted about the ending scene of an old movie that i have long adored, Brief Encounters it's about a doctor and a housewife who have a doomed affair. The soundtrack is brilliant *Rachmaninov, i swear that man can make me weep without hardly trying*. The movie perfectly captures to me what it is to embrace that old saying "'Tis better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all." i understand that this is all so cheesy and ridiculously over-dramatized but screw it. Yes, i love old romance movies. i love classical piano. i love poetry. i understand that this makes me slightly strange and such a "woman".. But honestly people..how can you not love these things?

Just listen to this....from beginning to end...open up your windows, let the breeze come through your house. Play this loudly with no television playing in the background. Do the dishes, make yourself lunch...do whatever the fuck you want to...but make sure you listen from beginning to end and then try to tell me that this is not beautiful.



Then watch this clip from Brief Encounters.



If you're smart, you'll netflix it.

Rain Diary

i had a dream that Guns N' Roses got back together and actually made it on tour. i went with my dad (an awkward choice to take with me to a concert with people of that caliber). Ozzy Osbourne was the opening act, followed by Metallica *don't ask...it was a dream*. There was a guy sitting on my right vomiting and passing out from too much alcohol, it kept pissing me off cause it would splatter and almost land on my shoes. My dad was sitting on my left and trying to block me from this hot guy who kept wanting me to go outside with him and his friends to do heroin. My father succeeded and the people on the left made their way outside without me. i eventually snuck out there when my dad went to get a soda. When i got there the heroin-doers were in a cornfield walking around talking about how they come from L.A. How they just came up here for the concert, and how they'll drive home that day after tsaying up all night doing heroin. When i was trying to beg them not to do it i realized that the sun was coming up and over the cornfield, it was peeking through the stalks and looked eeriely beautiful. The dream got really strange from there, i won't go into too many details. i'll summarize it in a few words: more heroin, trying to save a polar bear cub, Japan, me being forced to do heroin, followed by an awkward birthday dinner with a strange mix of people that i haven't seen in a while. All in all, i need to stop reading Li Young Lee and listening to Sigur Ros before going to bed. It's fucking with my dreams, it's the third strange one i've had this week.

How do i say this delicately?

This has GOT to be the gayest thing i have ever witnessed.



Celine Dion's "A New Day" in Las Vegas.

The costuming, the choreography, the lighting, the rising staircase...simply fag-tastic! i need to meet the man who directed this show, stat.

I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

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