Talk about a throwback - - -

Color Guard Questions

1. When did you start spinning?

in seventh grade in the '97-'98 season



2.What was the first guard/group you were in?

Dover Bulldogs.



3. How many years did you march?

Eight years.



4. What guard(s) did you march?

Dover Bulldogs, Fairfield Open Guard, San Jose Raiders World Guard, The Seattle Cascades Drum Corps.



5. What do you like better, winter guard, drum corps, or marching band?

Winter Guard, and by a fucking landslide.



6. Ever been to WGI?

Yeah, four times. My first time was in 2002, that was when the Independent World class colorguards were all phenomenal, yes even the freaky deaky dutch "Girls Gang" from the Netherlands. They were phenomenal to watch up close....it was like a freak show...but not the kind that Pride put on a few years later. i just remember that year blowing my mind more than any other year in colorguard.



7. Have you been in a guard that made WGI finals?

Sadly, only when i made it to the big guard did i ever make it to finals. That would have kicked so much ass if Fairfield would have made it that first year.



8. Best part about being in winter guard?

Oh man....as cheesy as it sounds it HAS to be the people you meet. It's the coolest feeling in the world being at a show when awards are over. i mean, you're standing on a floor bumping into people you know from all over the world because you met them at an audition months before..or met them at a party where you made out with them while taking jello shots...Winter guard is truly an amazing experience. -ALSO- rehearsals are fun as hell. **ALL** rehearsals are fun, i don't give a shit what anyone says...those were a blast. Bustin' on your blacks, standing in a formation...dancing..challenging yourself all day everyday to be better. It's truly exhilarating.



9. Worst part about being in winter guard?

When you're not as good as you should be. Damn that's the fucking worst...when you suck. Because you're never allowed to forget that *YOU* are the weak link in the equation to a gold medal. A lot of people can't handle that much pressure...Oh yeah....the money part blows balls too.



10. Best part about marching drum corps?

Ugh...getting skinny, and that's IT.



11. Worst part about marching drum corps?

Valerie worded it perfectly...and she didn't even march...how hilarious.

"I imagine its like paying for torture in the sun"

i mean...you end up getting the weirdest tan ever. you have to shower in front of like a hundred other chicks. You eat practically nothing. You wake up in the morning after maybe three hours of decent sleep and spin in the hot ass sun for around 12 hours, eight if you have a show..you eat a lame ass sandwich...pack up and get on a bus where you proceed to sit in your stinky seat and try to sleep while sitting up so that you can drive all night to the next state...Only to wake up with swollen ass feet and ankles and do it all over again the next day.

i say this but of course, a lot of people liked it. It was just not for me.



12. When did you age out/stop marching?

i stopped after 2005, i was 20 and thought i should have "grown up". Honestly, i still regret that.



13. Favorite show you were in?..

2002..Fairfield Open's "California" show. Is that lame? Whatever, it was my first Debbie and a total eye opening experience to a whole world that i never knew could exist.



14. Favorite show you were not in, but wish you could have been?

Hm.....this is practically impossible to decide.

My first love will forever be Blue Devils' "White Rabbit"

but then The San Jose Raiders had to go and do the Frida show.......

it's a toss up between the two.



15.Someone in guard you looked up to?

There are so many people that i looked up to..and for hella different reasons..Sometimes it was not that they were good at colorguard, it was just that they were really cool people and i looked up to them for that..or that they were so incredibly patient and nice. Or - they were just really hot....or most likely..they were both..hot and good.

Hmm....imma take a stab and name off like five.

Jason Flores *duh*
Valerie DeSoto
Robert Daze
Eddie Castro
Eric Aguilar

there are of course loads more.



16. Favorite equipment:

hm..sore subject, really. i was always a rifle girl..until they told me that because i didn't have a "dick"** between my legs i couldn't be seen spinning it. So i was placed on the sabre line my second year at Raiders..and then something incredibly strange happened...i LOVED spinning that sword. So, my favorite piece of equipment to spin is a sabre. But i like to watch rifles more.
** if any Raiders people are reading this i hope to god you caught that double entendre.



17. Where do you see the activity in 10 years?

Honestly, where it was ten years ago...just a lot cooler to look at.



18. What is the biggest lesson you have learned from being in guard?

That you can do and be anything in this world, so long as you are open to the change.



19. What guard that is no longer active would you love to see return?

OH! my heart aches to see The San Jose Raiders World guard of yesteryear..Also, because i'm a wispy and nostalgic kinda girl i'd LOVE to see The Blue Devils World guard take the floor again.



20. Do you think winter guard will ever get on T.V.

Nope. No one will get it. Nobody that isn't directly linked to the activity understands it. i find that in describing this activity people take an apologetic approach. "Yeah, i did that dancy thing a few years back...you know where they spin around flags...it's cooler than you think i swear". Even when you show them your highly coveted VHS copies of the legendary "Summertimez" show they laugh at the tights the boys are wearing and ignore the perfectly executed ripple work in the back corner. They have no clue that what is looking so effortlessly beautiful on the screen is the most strenuous and demanding activity out there. So for that reason, i almost don't want winter guard on the T.V. i don't want something that i love that much to be bastardized like that.

i think it took me three hours to finish this list.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.


1. Read The Bible - i feel that as someone who has a lot of criticism regarding Christianity, i should at least be knowledgable about it. i found a nifty translation into American English, rather than Ye Olde British English. It's available online. It's here in case you're interested.

2. Read the complete works of Anne Rice, with the excpetion of her Jesus book that just came out with *she just found god* and maybe her erotic novels.. i got around three chapters in before i was horribly disturbed, granted i was 17 when i first tried reading it, we'll see....i've read 10 out of 20 so far.

3. Visit the greater part of western Europe, the places i consider "important"
i consider these countries "important":
Portugal, Spain, France, Ireland, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Austria, The Czech Republic, Poland, Sweden, Romania, Greece, and Romania..i'm going to count Russia as it's own separate trip, because well hell..you can't do the Motherland in a week. Out of those 16, i've been to six..so i've got quite a ways to go. i'm counting on going to three of those that i haven't been to yet this summer.

4. Go wine tasting in Napa. i am a complete and total lover of wine, i live about 40 minutes away from Napa..so why in the hell have i never gone? i need to get on top of this stat.

5. Visit the MoMA in New York.

6. Go to a football game. Yep, that's right. i've never been to one.

7. Learn to read music.

8. Go to a Lisa Williams show. i know it's completely ridiculous how much i love her. But i genuinely believe that she can see/talk to dead people. How fucking cool is that?

9. Take a painting class - i'm thinking that i will need to take a drawing class first. i'm not trying to be the ONE idiot in that class.

10. See it snow in live action. i've only ever seen snow after it's already fallen.

11. Learn French.

12. Learn how to cook bacon without making it too damn crispy. i ruin it EVERYTIME, even though i can cook just about anything in the world. Bacon is like my kryptonite.

13. See a Broadway production on actual Broadway.

14. Re-buy a Nintendo 64 and officially beat Banjo-Kazooie. i never defeated the damned witch, rescued the sister though.

15. Throw something at Akon. i'd like to see him try to toss me offstage. Fucker.

16. Listen to Li Young Lee read one of his poems with my own ears and with his own voice.

17. Memorize all of the United States and their respective capitals. Maybe i'll buy one of those pencils.

18. Force myself to like sushi. i fucking hate sushi, but it's so damned pretty to look at that i find myself so jealous when people are eating it. i like my teriyaki chicken just fine though; with a fork too please.

19. Take an advanced poetry writing class. i've taken two creative writing classes in the past, where the bulk of the stuff written was poetry. They were both pretty rudimentary though, and i didn't get the hang of poetry writing until the end of the second class.

20. See Hugh Grant in the flesh. For some odd reason i feel like if there were ever famous person that i would bump into, it would be him. i looked for him the whole time i was in London. He lives in Notting Hill, yes like the movie he was in, and i intend to stake the area out Jack McFarland style.

21. On that note - See every episode of Will & Grace.

22. Get accepted to CSUEB.

23. Perfect driving a manual car. i am FAR from it.

24. Learn how to change a tire.

25. Learn how to change the oil in my car.

26. Get better at Chess. i used to play a lot with my dad. But not so much in the past year, i need to fix that.

27. Watch all 100 of the Greatest Films of all time, according to this list. i figure AMC wouldn't lie.

28. Pay off my credit card debt. Ugh, don't remind me.

29. Take a flamenco dance class, or 20 of them.

30. Learn how to take decent photographs.. of the artst fartsy persuasion.

31. Babysit a child for 8 hours. Just to remind myself why i vowed never to spawn.

32. Learn to type without looking at the keyboard. i'm pretty close, except i always have a million typos.

33. Learn to play a song on the guitar.

34. See a live ballet performance by an excellent company.

35. Exercise at least three times a week.

36. Get a facial... the kind you pay for.

37. Go golfing.

38. Create a portrait of my dogs.

39. Participate in the Bay to Breakers. *May 17, 2009* Also, dress ridiculously.

40. Build a sandcastle - - but a good one, a really good one.

41. Stay off the computer after 8:00 p.m. for a week.

42. Improve upon my classical music knowledge - Chopin, Rachmaninov, Mozart, Beethoven, Liszt, Bach...etc. etc.

43. See Bjork in concert again, this time hoping she will be better.

44. Go ice skating in San Francisco. *goes until Jan. 4th*

45. Send in a secret to Postsecret.

46. Learn a card trick.

47. Pay for the person behind me in the drive through.

48. Keep a food diary for at least 2 weeks.

49. Begin a dream diary.

50. Meditate for at least 30 minutes nightly before bed for one week.

51. Make a soundtrack for my life.

52. Buy a new car.

53. Get a colon cleanse. It would just be too good of a story.

54. Complete another detox for 10 days.

55. Sing in every shower I take for a month.

56. Play WoW for an hour someday. i have to see what all the fuss is about.

57. Get a pretty ring, and wear it everyday for a month.

58. See the Aurora Borealis.

59. Take a multivitamin daily for a month.

60. Solve a Rubik's Cube.

61. Live to be 24.

62. Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, instead of paying the 5 Euros to take the elevator.

63. Change my hair drastically.

64. Read "Mein Kampf"

65. Drink no alcohol for a whole month.

66. Frame the various pieces of art i have put away.

67. Go to Las Vegas and actually have a good time. *i'm 0 for 3*

68. Get someone else to do the 101 Goals list.

69. Wake up right after the alarm goes off for a week.

70. Go and see an opera.

71. Buy a new cell phone.

72. Get a new tattoo.

73. Go laser tagging.

74. Go a day without speaking.

75. Start and finish Europe scrapbook from first trip.

76. Drink the 8 8 oz. glasses of water needed everyday for a month.

77. Visit my family in Missouri.

78. Ride on a train - not BART-

79. Re-learn how to fold paper cranes and hang 1000 of them from my ceiling.*tell me you remember that book*

80. Shoot a gun.

81. Get fingerprinted at District Office - something i was supposed to do forever ago.

82. Sponsor someone in a charity walk.

83. Spend a day in San Francisco alone.

84. Get a new lipstick color that suits me.

85. Go on a cruise.

86. Beautify my desk space at Armijo.

87. Plan my funeral.

88. Visit all of the States. i'm probably a little over halfway done, i'll have to consult my list.

89. Stretch daily.

90. Fix the purses that need fixen'. *sew handles/pockets, buff leather, etc.*

91. Go somewhere cool with my dad.

92. Identify 100 things that make me happy.

93. Clear out the garage, as most of the clutter belongs to me and my childhood.

94. Memorize five of Shakespeare's sonnets.

95. Get a 3.3 GPA.

96. Write a piece of fan mail.

97. Watch a live Cirque Du Soleil show.

98. Learn how to make Mama's spaghetti.

99. Build a fort out of chairs and sheets, spend an hour in it.

100. Complete one year of Project 365.

101. Donate $10 for each goal not reached.

Custom Countdowns & MySpace Layouts

We're kissing without kissing.

Abstract Expressionism..is there anything that is more of a trip? i mean there are the obvious stars of genre, De Kooning and Pollock to name a couple. But i just stumbled upon my favorite. Francis Bacon. His paintings resemble nightmares out of the darkest of brains. He was born in 1909 and died in 1992, and lived in Europe..which tells you what horrors he witnessed in his lifetime, thus explaining his penchant for the darkness in his work. i consider myself a slightly over the top morbid person who delights in most everything pertaining to death, ghosts, and other monsters. i was raised this way by my mother who is the same herself. So it should come to no surprise that i LOVE Bacon's work. He did a study of a piece by Diego Velazquez, my second favorite Spanish painter..followed only by Francisco Goya, another lover of all things dark. He painted a bunch of different interpretations of Velazquez's "Portrait of Pope Innocent X". My favorite is of course the most popular of these different studies.

Diego Velazquez - Portrait of Pope Innocent X


Francis Bacon - Study after Velazquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X

Kind of amazing, yes?

Alright - back to water molecules with their polar covalent bonds..UGH!! i fucking hate Science.

Bee Tea Double-You

Listen to this - i swear to Christ you will not be disappointed.

California in December.

i was in Vacaville tonight. Drinking a bit, after i finished a long essay. Around two in the morning Jenelle grabbed my arm and dragged my semi-belligerent self outside through the side gate of her house. i shuffled through the thousand yellow leaves on the ground and stood in the middle of the street sipping my Corona. Then i noticed what she was wanting me to see. The fog. It was eeriely beautiful . . . as cliche as that sounds. You could barely see the house across the street. The streetlights set off this wonderful yellow glow. In the near distance you could hear the geese honking on the Vaca High football field. It was without a doubt, one of the most breathtaking experiences in my life. Jenelle and i stood in the middle of the street for what seemed an eternity, silent...just listening to the sounds of December in California. It made me so incredibly happy to be alive and where i'm at in my life. It's amazing to feel that way sometimes. It happens only occasionally.
But when it does, holy shit is it amazing.

______

So, you know that question that people always ask.

If you could host a dinner party with five people who were already dead, who would you invite?

Well, i know who i would invite.

Freddie Mercury
Oscar Wilde
Lucille Ball
Anne Frank
William Shakespeare

i'd be slightly worried that Freddie, Oscar, and Billy would engage in some freaky threesome though. But because it's MY dinner party, such things would be frowned upon and otherwise not allowed. That is of course, unless it would be okay for me to watch/partake in.

i don't know how or why i got to thinking about this nonsense. But i must admit that i took a few months to come to this conclusion. i ruled out quite a few people. Shuffled around the guest list. Switched people in, then out, then back in again. i feel that this would be a spectacular guest list. Hopefully when i die this can be made possible. i know some people may seem a bit strange, but i just love everything that came out of their brains and/or souls while they were alive. i feel like if i could take in their essence for only an hour or so it would truly be amazing experience.

______


i thought about this year the other day, and i realized that it was over. i regret nothing that happened. i fully believe that this is the first time that i can say that. This was for sure a year that i will never forget. Not because it was an exceptional time full of wonderous memories. But more so because this year i grew as a woman more than i ever have in the time span that i have been alive. i think i am grateful for 2008, it opened my eyes to the horrible things that can happen to people...the sometimes harsh reality and how to deal/live with it all. i have matured a lot. It took me losing people from my life, gaining people in my life, experiencing new things, and no longer experiencing things that i used to do frequently to know that i am in fact, a good person. i am happy with who i am as a 23 year old woman. This next year i know that things are only going to change to another extreme. Everything in my life could possibly change. We'll find out sometime in July. Just around when i get back from Europe. i hate it so much. i hate the prospect of failure. College is just so fucked up like that. i truly cannot believe that i have arrived at this point in my life where i could actually enter "adulthood". It's almost sickening. Eh. i'm gonna go spoon with my Chihuahua now.

i go through life like a karate kid

So i'm looking into the final details of my plane/train tickets to Europe. All i can say is that i am fucking stoked. May-June will be a blast, i'm going to most of the same places that i went to last time, with a few more thrown in there. London, Barcelona, Madrid, Rome, Florence, Venice, Paris, a shitload of a lot of places in Germany, and then Greece. i'm also lookin' into Switzerland and Austria..because - - well hell, there right in the middle of all of those damn countries.. it would be stupid to not hop off the train and check it out. Wasn't it in Vienna where Before Sunrise was set? Yeah, it could be worth it to check that out. i decided that this time i'm going to try and be a tourist more of the shit to see, rather than a tourist of the local bars/clubs. i'm gonna try real, real hard. Tickets are pretty reasonable right now *around a grand, nonstop*. There's something strange that i find myself thinking about when buying plane tickets for somwhere. You know how when you are on some site like expedia, and you enter in the destination and dates? There's a window that pops up with all the different options for you to choose from. i always think about which of those planes might crash. Like - - i'm lazy, so i always choose an afternoon flight over an early morning flight if the price is close. But as i pay for the afternoon flight i think about whether or not that one is destined to blow up and fall into the ocean in a molten pile of metal and human flesh. . . and if i should've sucked it up and picked the early mornign flight so that i can save my life. . . Can you tell i'm terrified of flying? i mean seriously, i am so afraid of flying it is DISGUSTING. i have to be completely trashed, and then even still i have to call my mom when i am getting ready to board the plane, in order to cry to her. Last time i flew to Europe on the ten hour flight i was schnockered on sleeping pills and red wine. i still couldn't manage to sleep (due in part to the old lady sleeping on my arm, the excellent movie choices, and the slight panic attack i was having). Whatever is the case i'm going to Europe this summer. . Here's praying that i don't come back this time.

The curve of your lips rewrite history.

Would you say they find me unstable?

The past four days have been the ultimate blur. What was supposed to be a fucking blast of a week turned into the worst week of my life to date. It started out just fine - went and saw Doug Stanhope live, he was amazing. Got to hang out with him and his girlfiend for a while there. Drinking into oblivion. i was awake until around eight in the morning partying with some friends. i fell asleep and woke up around ten in the morning to the hotel room phone ringing. It was pitch black in the room and i couldn't find the phone so it stopped ringing. i realized i was alone in the room, Jenelle and Tiki went to the beach. So i laid back down in the bed and started to fall back asleep. Not a minute later the alarm clock in the room went off. i then flew into a full fledged panic. Smacking the shit out of the alarm clock and crawling under the blankets. About an hour later the girls came slithering back into the hotel room. Still laying in bed with my eyes closed i mumbled how the room was haunted. They of course assumed that i was drunk/hungover/sleeptalking/crazy. i rolled over and went back to sleep. Around hour after that i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my sisters ringtone. My Aunt Vikki was in the hospital in Vallejo being read her last rights and getting an emergency baptism. It was the first moment in my life that i had no idea what to do. i was just standing there in the bathroom holding onto the phone while my sister rattled on and on about how my mother was a mess, and how they found her, and how my own grandmother had to give her youngest daughter CPR. All of these horrible images are being flooded into my brain and i'm standing in the hotel bathroom sobbing like a five year old girl without the slightest clue of what to do. i end up catching a cab, hopping on Bart, walking what seems miles dragging a suitcase to my truck parked in Martinez, hopping on 4, hopping on 680, hopping on 780, then hopping on 80, getting lost in Vallejo like i always, and eventually stumble into the waiting room...on maybe four hours of hungover sleep. We stay in the waiting room until.. well actually i have no idea how long we were in there. All i know is that it was a long ass time, and then we get news. She went so long without oxygen to her brain, to the point where she is 80-90% braindead. Meaning, she is going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life. The doctors want to run more tests, and will know more the next day.. so we leave. The next day we're there at the hospital again because my grandma has to make a decision. Everyone in my family is Mexican and therefore, Catholic. So there's this belief that Christ died on a Friday sometime around three o'clock *the ninth hour*. So there's this belief that when people die around this time their passing is easier. So at 2:45 p.m. my Grandma tells them to pull the plug. We're packed in the room when they do it. Just watching the pulse get lower and lower. i'm listening to my grandma talk to my Auntie and my mother is having a complete breakdown. My brother and sister in law are clutching onto eachother. i'm standing there watching everything. And looking out the window. Then looking at her pulse. And the whole time i am thinking to myself that this has to be a horrible dream. That i am going to wake up in that haunted ass hotel room and then go to see Mason Jennings. i pondered praying to god, even though i don't believe in him. i was just so hopelessly sad. She died within 15-20 minutes of them pulling the plug. After everything happened i was so devoid of everything, i was walking outside with Ian. He says to me, "are you gonna be alright? i mean...your favorite Aunt - your only Aunt just died." i nodded and told him not to worry, that i was "cool". But it was only when he said that, that everything became real. That this was the first person close to me, to go away. This wasn't some obscure cousin i knew when i was four. This wasn't some person i went to high school with that maybe said three words to me during the course that i knew them. This wasn't some distant friend, relative, acquaintance, celebrity, co-worker. Instead, it was a woman that helped raise me. It was a woman who i cared for so intensly. It was a woman who helped name me when i was born. i just can't believe that i am never going to talk with her again. Never going to laugh with her ever again. It hurts so bad. Everything hurts. i just want to scream as loud as i can. i'm so angry. i'm so sad. i'm so worried. i know that i am completely rambling, but i'm just typing as it comes to my head. This isn't something i'm concerned about having sound right or nice, i just need to let some out this out. A few months back her eyesight was really going away bad, even after surgeries. She was a hardcore reader, and it's because of her mostly that i am such a bookworm myself. Anyways, well she got me hooked on Harry Potter, even though i was psychopathically anti-Potter. It's true -just ask any of my friend from high school. After weeks and weeks of coaxing, she got me to read the first chapter of the first book. Then it was a done deal--- my Auntie turned me into a Pot-Head. So when her eyes went away i went over to the house and began to read to her. i got insanely busy/lazy and never got to finish the books with her. i feel awful. i feel like an awful person. And yeah, i know..you aren't supposed to do that kind of thing when someone you love dies. i've always told other people all of those lame things like "they wouldn;t want you to feel this way...blah blah blah". i will now, never tell anyone anything even remotely like that. Because it is lame and in no way shape or form makes me feel better. i feel awful and there is nothing that can change that. i will probably always feel awful. and miss her. and wish that i could have changed something, anything. Ugh. i'm over this.

i hate that life goes on.

His name was Robert Paulson.

So i've had a freakishly strange crush on James McAvoy since he did the Narnia movie. Then he had to go and do Atonement and the obsession has gotten worse. Now there are rumors circulating that he may play Bilbo Baggins in the two hobbit movies. i would be so stoked if he did in fact play Mr. Baggins.

i'm feeling SUPER dorky right now..i've been reading up on Spiderman, The Hobbit, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for an hour now. All the speculations about movies that haven't even been made yet does my antsy ass no good.

The spider who cried wolf.

i consider myself an extremely brave person. Except when it comes to two things, which i have a zero tolerance policy for.

One) Rollercoasters *anything encompassing a free fall moment combined with an upside down moment*

and

Two) Bugs *especially in the arachnid family*

i can't even kill the things. They terrify me that much. A couple of weeks ago my sister and i were getting ready to go to rehearsal at Armijo. Just as we were praising ourselves for finally being on time, my sister let out a pitiful squeal. She grabbed my arm and put herself behind me, all the while shaking and twitching like her chihuahua who was laying down in the hallway blissfully ignorant of what lay in the bathroom. i peered over to the area that my sister pointed at, and there laying on the bathroom mat was the largest spider i have ever laid eyes on in the state of California. It just sat there with its back to us, kicking it like it had rights to be there or something. Jordan and i then got into a five minute argument over who had to kill it. She found it, therefore i felt she had to kill it. i'm older, therefore she felt that i had to kill it. On and on this went until we decided to kill it together. Armed with a shoe and a spray can of poison we then fell into another two minute debate over who had to squish it with the shoe, being that neither of us could handle the sound or the feeling of the crunch of the exoskeleton. Finally i manned up an snatched the shoe from her because i was now late for work. Unfortunately, because i am such a pussy it took at least three minutes of me gaining the courage to first enter the bathroom where the spider still lay unmoved. Then it took another couple of minutes for me to walk up to the spider, freak out and scamper away, walk back into the bathroom, freak out, yell at Jordan and curse the world for planting such a creature in my home, back away from said creature, and then tip toe back into the bathroom. Finally i slammed the shoe down on the spider as hard as i possibly could. As soon as the feat was done i ran backwards, half expecting the shoe to start moving because the spider was so behemoth i figured that something as small as a shoe was no match for it. i shoved Jordan in the bathroom so she could lift the shoe and spray it with enough Raid to kill Mary-Kate Olsen. She of course made me lift the shoe, and when i did..go figure, the spider was hardly even phased by the attempt on its life. He launched in a full fledged attack on its would be murderers. Jordan and i both yelped helpessly as she sprayed and sprayed and sprayed...there was a puddle of Raid foaming up from the spot where the spider, still moving mind you, began to slow its life. i placed the shoe back on it and left a note to all warning of the spider carcass under the shoe.

When i was much younger and living with my mother and father i used to delight in killing ants. i would catch one between my fingers and rip its body in half. Yes, very disturbing and probably a sign of what sort of a person i would later become. But nevertheless i found it intriguing. i blame this infatuation on my mother. During the wet seasons, on our backyard patio there was a spot that slugs like to accumulate. My mother would grab a giant jar of salt and cackle mercilessly as she poured salt on the back half of the slug. Slowly she would sprinkle salt up the back and finally onto the head of each slug. i had to admit, i found it intriguing. Imagine being disinigrated by giants. It blew both mine and my sisters minds. A little bit later on in life after my parents had seperated and my sister and ilived with my mom. Occasionally, a spider *usually of the Daddy Long Leg variety* would creep into our home. My mom would smash it with a slipper, or whatever was handy. Then, instead of cleaning it up she would leave it there to "warn the others of their fate, if they were to lurk in our home". Sometimes she would even go so far as to put clear tape over their dead bodies. i forgot all about these incidents until about a month ago when my sister laughed about it with me. i find this so interesting because about two years ago i was painting my new room. The window had no screen on it, but i had to have the window open because getting high on fumes is only fun for so long. As a result mosquitos kept creeping in and landing on the ceiling that i was painting. So i painted over the stupid asses and laughed maniacally all the while telling my father that i was doing so to ward off anymore bugs from coming in. It's crazy how things carry on though time much to our ignorance of doing so.

Anyway - - Today while doing laundry i noticed not two inches away from my naked foot was a gigantic wolf spider. i panicked. Completely panicked. i grabbed a giant jug of bleach and poured almost the whole bottle on the fucker. In the process of doing so i ruined my favorite shirt and still didn't manage to kill the bastard. He scurried under the washing machine while i ran away. i then hopped on the internet to try and figure out how to fix the current situation. Apparently, wolf spiders in the home are VERY common for the Fall, because they're looking for a warm place to live. They are very non-aggressive, and they lay eggs that attach to their bodies..when the eggs hatch the babies stay attached to the mother...FUCKING SICK! i would lose it if i saw this.




Fucking christ...i dunno what i'm gonna do if i have to deal with anymore of these creatures!

Sunday!

Damn - that's a good one. i am feeling more accomplished right now then i have in a very long time. The sememster is almost done, thank you god. After i get done with my last final i am going to go on the craziest trip in the world, i think. i'm going to go crazy.

Barack Obama won the election last week. i wasn't really gung ho for the guy until a few days before the voting took place. i was fully intending on voting for him, but only because Sarah Palin terrified me. What changed my mind to really be intot he dude was when he did the interview on the Daily Show a few days before the election. It was kinda cool to see him as a normal human being. It's kind of hard to listen to everything he has to say. Being an American woman from the time period i'm from has rendered me slightly more than skeptical of anything that just about anyone has to say, whether it's regarding politics or the weather. So for someone to come in and say that he is going to try to fix the mess that has been created over the past decade or so just sounds completely ridiculous and totally full of shit. It was near impossible for me to believe him. i just figured he was an amazing public speaker and he was sputtering flowers from his mouth so people would vote democratic. But after the interview with the Daily Show, i looked at him for the first time and thought that maybe i could think somewhat positive for a change. Maybe this guy was for real. Maybe he did want things to be different and for the better. Maybe he didn't just want to get into power for his own financial gain. Maybe he wasn't his parties puppet with the strings being tweaked around by large corporate businesses. So i voted for him, and not just cause the Alaskan woman with the hairpieces scared me. Here's hoping things work out for him. It'll be just too much for the struggling optimist in me to take if it turns out he was full of shit the whole time.

Took to drinking as religion and landed on my knees

You go Glen Coco!

Fuck.

i just spent all day going through my comments over the course of almost five years on myspace. It's insane how much can change over time. All i know is that this put my brain in a very, very strange place. Most of the people that posted comments i'm still friends with. But i would stand to say that we are all no where even close to what we used to be. People i toured the country with in 2004, i don't talk to them at all anymore. People i performed with in Raiders, i see only in passing maybe once a year. Friends that were like family i see maybe three times a year, and we have nothing to talk about anymore except "how we're doing and what we've been up to". Dennis from Vallejo...he was there too *lol*. Then again, i have the people that i still see and talk to daily, and it makes me grateful that i still have them in my life. i just wonder what would be going on if i hadn't of been so selfish in these past five years. i am a completely different person now. i'm better in a lot of aspects and worse in a couple of aspects as well. Do i regret anything? Not anymore. After going through and taking in all of the phases i went through, and the people that influenced my life i realize that i am right where i am supposed to be. And instead of being scared, like how i always was, i am instead so fucking excited with where i'm at and where i intend to go in my life. And on that note - i'm off to go drinking with some friend on a school night. Something i never do. Something i used to always do. But i need to see these people, because i love them and am only just now realizing how easy it would be to have them fade from my life if i were to neglect them. Which is something i unfortunately used to do in the past as well.




Also - i found a picture of my on the tour bus during drum corps... i am never eating again. hah! gotta love being 19.

Me Voy a Sacramento.

i'm totally being a youtube whore. But this clip is wonderful, and people need to see it. i love Kevin Smith. love love love. i love Tim Burton too, but this is just fucking hilarious.

keep 'em jackin' off in their basement.

Been looking into hotels for next month when i go to see Doug Stanhope and Mason Jennings in San Francisco. i cannot wait for this. Seriously. i've been looking forward to these two days in November since June. For those of you who have been living under a cardboard box and don't know who either dude is that i mentioned before, feast your ears (and eyes) on these videos.

Mason. Who i am completely in love with. But then again how could you not be?



and here's Dougie..

i ran away from good

Simply perfection. Sia is too damn wonderful. This is an acoustic version of one of my favorite songs of hers. From the big bird poncho thing she's wearing. To the unitards the guys playing the piano and guitar are wearing.

there were so many fewer questions when stars were still just the holes to heaven

So i've been horribly busy the last month. Horribly and disgustingly busy. School and work are going fucking amazingly well. October has been full of so many things, and the month is only half over. Trips to Sacramento. Panic/Dashboard concert. Halloween in the city. i'm going to Santa Cruz for the weekend on this Friday. Gonna be hammered on the boardwalk at ten a.m. on Saturday, and will proceed to be drunk for the next two days. Trips to museums to see a few exhibits. Halloween *my favorite day of the year* in the City. A field trip to the Marin Headlands for my geography class, which my bitchass just got a 94% on the midterm *we'll see how the other midterms went*. Housesitting. All the while spending hours upon hours at Armijo putting together this show. Next month is going to be just as fucking crazy.. probably more. The winter season will begin for Armijo, which means auditions and new shows are going to have to come together, while still maintaining our current piece for the Fall. But i get to go and see Doug Stanhope and Mason Jennings next month in the City! It's going to be fucking amazing. The shows are back to back, so consider my ass out of commission on November 12th and 13th. Hotel room in San Francisco, taking a couple days off in the middle of the week.. yes, yes y-e-s. i also MIGHT be going to Missouri for Thanksgiving to visit my white family. The thought of Mexico has been placed in my head by more than one person for a Spring-ish trip. Washington for New Years was also a possibility i was looking into. So i guess that's a bit of an update. Maybe i'll get around to posting something of more substance someday.


wonderful - -

Triumph of Right

Colin: Dude, i had a dream last night that i had a baby!
Audra: Oh! So you mean you had a nightmare last night that you had a baby..

Precisely.
___

After the events of this past weekend i desperately needed some time to sit and reflect on the show. Instead of considering it a failure, which i could have easily done i have decided that a lot of really good things came from it. i will not get discouraged like i have in the past, and no i am not going to get a giant number three tattooed on my forehead *which i was feeling like i needed to do all weekend long*. i am basically going to do whatever the fuck it takes to have this show wind up successful..

Hopped up on 5-hour Energy

i so cannot get focused to save my life right now. i've been attempting to study for my first geography block exam all weekend. i spent my Saturday night sitting outside of Starbucks studying. It was quite a beautiful moment actually. Adrianna was wearing her Cal sweatshirt, no make-up, with greasy hair. i looked exactly the same except without a Cal sweatshirt on *for obvious reasons*. We had the forlorn look of wear and tear on our faces as we sucked down cup after cup of coffee. Papers and open books are scattered EVERYWHERE on our table and i sat scribbling in my notebook like a mad woman, while Adrianna read feverishly from her book. Right at this moment Megan Bananzadeh and Audra Perry *two of my gorgeous friends* come stomping down the pavement in their Saturday night best. Hair, make-up, and outfits looking immaculate. They were heading to Sacramento to go out. It was the perfect sitcom portrayal of complete polar opposites. What normal people do on a Saturday night compared to what not-normal people do. i couldn't help but laugh at the horrible-ness that is the not having of a social life. i couldn't have a social life right now if i tried my very damndest. i thought it was crazy of me to go and see a movie this Friday night *Burn After Reading* and then afterward get a pitcher of beer at a bar. What have i become?!? Responsible. . . impossible. Not me. Never. i am a complete mess. Everything has flip -flopped. My social life is where my work/school life used to be *disastrous* and my work/school life is where my social life used to be *thriving*. But right now i cannot get focused, my brain is so completely mushy. It can't form sentences, i feel so scattered. i am EVERYWHERE right now and it feels like shit. i find myself thinking about the smallest and most insignificant details that make up the stupidity of daily life. Concerning myself with nothing that matters when i have a paper and a HUGE block exam due at nine o'clock. From wondering if Jenelle is still interesting in going to MOMA with me on Wednesday, to reading a blog someone unimportant posted, to trying to figure out when i can make it out to Home Depot, and conditioning Julien's fur. This blog for example, i'm writing a blog about virtually, nothing. When i SHOULD be brushing up on the divergent, convergent, and transform boundaries which shape the Earth. i cannot focus..


In other news i have a slightly funny story to tell about my father.

So a very long time ago, a couple of years before i was born my father was a mid-western brought up hippy dude who looked an awful lot like Matthew McConaughey. *Seriously, every time i watch Dazed and Confused and see Matteo's character i could die..* The year was 1982. He has just moved in with my mother and they were not quite married yet. The Jehovah's Witnesses were running rampant going door to door trying to convert more Mexicans to their cult. My father was just about sick to death of these old bitty ladies rat a tat tappin' on his door when they came back after he asked them repeatedly not to. So when the ladies came back one
Summer afternoon, he peered through the peep-hole and saw them, he quickly got out of the shorts he was wearing around the house and then opened the door. "Good afternoon ladies!" He stands there stark-naked with a smile from ear to ear with the front door wide open. Needless to say, our home was black-listed for a while. Anyways, fast forward to present day, we are now living in between two Mormon families, and the Jehovahs are no longer seeking more Mexicans. Some Mormat comes pounding on our door, on some rampage trying to get people to NOT vote for Obama. My dad was bored and decided to let this guy talk past his introduction so as to have something to do. After about two minutes, my dad realizes this guy is a complete idiot and decides to try and find out exactly how much of an idiot he was. So they start debating about Obama and McCain until my dad has had enough. My dad then mentions how he's not much of a fan of being told how to think. he tels the Mormon how he was born in Illinois and raised there, and then moved to Missouri and lived there for about ten years before moving out here. He says very slowly so the man will really comprehend, that he still holds a lot of the views that were ingrained in him as a youth in Illinois AND Missouri. At this the Mormon gets very offended and flees the front porch. In the very late 1800s Missouri kicked the Mormons out of their state and they went to Nauvoo, Illinois. Once there their temple was burned down to the ground along with a lot of Mormons themselves. i find this funny because i know my father is a very open-minded kinda guy with a sick sense of humor. He doesn't really hate Mormons, just what they stand for..Therefore, he loves to offend them in any way, shape, or form. Not just cause they're Mormons, he loves offending everyone. i now know where i get it from.

Silk

My beloved...

Do not be afraid.
Do not speak.
Stay as you are. i'm here at your side.
Do you feel me?
When i touch you for the first time...
you will feel the warmth,
but you will not know where.
Perhaps, it will be on your eyes.

Who could ever erase this moment?
There is no end to it,
don't you see?
What we were meant to do, we have done.
Believe me, my love,
we have done it forever.
And if it serves your happiness, do not hesitate for a moment
to forget this woman who
for now
says without a trace of regret...
farewell.

Plain and simple.

i have this horrible habit. Whenever i get overwhelemed i shut down. i sit at home, ignore phone calls, and am only able to focus on one or two things. Usually work related with the occassional hobby i.e. a book or a computer game. i'm there right now. Completely overwhelmed with some of the stupidest shit in the world. i was sitting at dinner tonight and after a glass of wine i began to vent for the first time in what seems forever. Just rant and rail about everything that has been bothering me for the past six months of so, and how they have all been adding up to a giant pile of shit sitting on my shoulder. i realized that i have no desire to deal with these things, no matter how important they are. i feel like i physically and mentally cannot deal with them. i just want to brush them under the rug and focus on school. i want a 4.0 this semester. i want to buy a car. i want Armijo to be successful. Those are my goals as of right now, and with all of the random clutter floating around in my brain i have no idea where to start. i know that in my brushing away of the dumb shit i could put myself in a really bad situation in the future. i'll probably regret not dealing with some of these things, but i know my capabilities as a person. i'm stubborn. Probably one of the most stubborn people i know. As a result i alienate people because i am not big enough to admit when i'm wrong or when i think i'm right, or more importantly when i know that i have done NOTHING wrong. i feel like there are certain people that blame me for some things that are going wrong in their lives. i can see how i would become the easy scapegoat. Knowing all of these things doesn't infuriate me, it simply makes me sad. i like things to be perfect, but i don't want to work on fixing things. i like them to just buff themselves out. In reality i know this isn't possible. But i don't have time to dwell on this shit anymore.

Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.

So i'm pretty sure that i've elaborated on the fact that i LOVE postsecret.com. Today a great secret was posted about the ending scene of an old movie that i have long adored, Brief Encounters it's about a doctor and a housewife who have a doomed affair. The soundtrack is brilliant *Rachmaninov, i swear that man can make me weep without hardly trying*. The movie perfectly captures to me what it is to embrace that old saying "'Tis better to have loved and lost. Than never to have loved at all." i understand that this is all so cheesy and ridiculously over-dramatized but screw it. Yes, i love old romance movies. i love classical piano. i love poetry. i understand that this makes me slightly strange and such a "woman".. But honestly people..how can you not love these things?

Just listen to this....from beginning to end...open up your windows, let the breeze come through your house. Play this loudly with no television playing in the background. Do the dishes, make yourself lunch...do whatever the fuck you want to...but make sure you listen from beginning to end and then try to tell me that this is not beautiful.



Then watch this clip from Brief Encounters.



If you're smart, you'll netflix it.

Rain Diary

i had a dream that Guns N' Roses got back together and actually made it on tour. i went with my dad (an awkward choice to take with me to a concert with people of that caliber). Ozzy Osbourne was the opening act, followed by Metallica *don't ask...it was a dream*. There was a guy sitting on my right vomiting and passing out from too much alcohol, it kept pissing me off cause it would splatter and almost land on my shoes. My dad was sitting on my left and trying to block me from this hot guy who kept wanting me to go outside with him and his friends to do heroin. My father succeeded and the people on the left made their way outside without me. i eventually snuck out there when my dad went to get a soda. When i got there the heroin-doers were in a cornfield walking around talking about how they come from L.A. How they just came up here for the concert, and how they'll drive home that day after tsaying up all night doing heroin. When i was trying to beg them not to do it i realized that the sun was coming up and over the cornfield, it was peeking through the stalks and looked eeriely beautiful. The dream got really strange from there, i won't go into too many details. i'll summarize it in a few words: more heroin, trying to save a polar bear cub, Japan, me being forced to do heroin, followed by an awkward birthday dinner with a strange mix of people that i haven't seen in a while. All in all, i need to stop reading Li Young Lee and listening to Sigur Ros before going to bed. It's fucking with my dreams, it's the third strange one i've had this week.

How do i say this delicately?

This has GOT to be the gayest thing i have ever witnessed.



Celine Dion's "A New Day" in Las Vegas.

The costuming, the choreography, the lighting, the rising staircase...simply fag-tastic! i need to meet the man who directed this show, stat.

I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

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Like an Ostrich with its head in the sand

Am i the only one who despises watching the news these days? i was sitting at my computer just now and the news was on the t.v. All i could hear over and over again was "war, recession, foreclosures, gas prices, all time low, all time high". UGH! i am so the "out of sight, out of mind" type of person, simply because i have problems with worrying. i am a self confessed worry-wart. i have spent many hours laying awake in bed worrying about things that don't have a damn thing to do with me. i have thrown myself into full-blown panic attacks over a million small things that just add up and freak me out. So for the most part i try to ignore the crazy things that i cannot in any way fix. So as i was sitting at my computer i proceeded to jet to the t.v. and change the channel as fast as humanly possible.

The greatest piece of advice i've ever gotten...

"The fastest way to kill love is to decide the person you're seeing is...the One. Why? When you decide the person's the One, you start focusing all your desires on the person, and when you focus all your desires on the person, you lose the tantalizing elusiveness that attracted the person to you in the first place."

In other news -

i still cannot decide if i'm a fan of being unemployed. Maybe i'll take another month to decide. . . On that note i'm going to go and play a computer game and continue my hermiting.

time can do so much

Ugh. Why does Mia Michaels have to go and do this to me again?



So....Doug Stanhope is coming to San Francisco in November. Expect my ass to be there, hours early so i can sit my happy ass in the front. i want him goin on one of his rants with spit flying out of his mouth and into my drink. i want him mime-ejaculating onto my forehead. Words cannot describe how excited i am to see him live.


On another note - i think my crush on Stephen Colbert has gotten slightly unhealthy. i am looking into some options.

Surely insomnia will be the death of me

Got three hours to kill? Then you can check out this pointless survey i did to kill time before i am capable of finding slumber.

100 Completely Useless Facts About Me!

(1) Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I have no closet doors, I put up these cute ass curtains with a rod, and they absolutely have to be closed.

(2) Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels:
Nope, but i always manage to forget shampoo and conditioner when i stay in hotels so I end up using them.

(3) Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room:
Yeah a few times…the last time I was cock blocked though…please refer to video.



(4) Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Actually, yes…my street sign. Somebody hit it with their car and it was just laying in the street for like an hour. C’mon, who doesn’t want the street sign from the street they grew up on?

(5) Are you eating anything right now?
Just the agua.

(6) Who do you think reads your answers?
Hmm… I have a few leads. Granted, they’re the people that leave me comments and tell me, “so Colin, I was reading your blog the other day and…”

(7) Do you have a calendar in your room?
Yep, an awesome vintage one that the kids bought me for a Christmas present. Pretty soon I hope to replace it with a half naked Mormon man one.

(8) Where are you:
In my residence.

(9) What's your plan for the day?
Thursday? Sitting in my room reading, watching T.V. *SYTYCD*, eating nothing and drinking lots of water…unemployment provides all of these “wonderful” opportunities. Seriously, is it August yet?

(10) Are you reading any books right now?
Yeah I’m reading three at the moment. “The Memoirs of Cleopatra”, “I Am America (AND SO CAN YOU!)”, and “The Secret Lives of Men and Women”. Cleopatra and Antony are about to engage in a naval battle with Rome…and I know where the story goes from there…and not into a happy place. Unfortunately, I’ve grown extremely attached to Antony. Therefore, I’ve been putting off finishing the last 300 pages.

(11) Is it cold out?
No, just windy.

(12) Do you ever count your steps when you walk:
All of the damn time. I once read when I was a little girl that in the old days it was believed that vampires were obsessive with counting things. So to ward off vampires from coming into people’s homes they would place beans in a row so that the vampires would have to stop and count them all deep into the night until the sun rose. I always believed that I was like a vampire in that I am obsessive with counting my steps. Wow, that was a very strange tangent to go on………………………..

(13) Have you ever peed in the woods?
Yep. I used to camping a whole lot when I was little.

(14) Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
Oh god. Do you know who I am?! I basically get paid to dance to no music that’s audibly playing, save for the music in my head. I spend hours dancing to the music in my head, figuring out what would look best next.

(15) Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Ugh. Sick!

(16) How many people have you slept with this week:?
Just Julien. Yes, I count him as a person.

(17) Favorite place to buy make-up?
The M.A.C. make-up counter.. But only if I have loads of cash and a full face of make-up on when I go.

(18) What is your "Song of the week"?
Cibo Matto’s “Sugar Water”

(19) Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Only if you take it in the butt. Then by all means, queen it out in your pink.

(20) Do you still watch cartoons?
Ren and Stimpy *had to own all of those the second they released them*, Family Guy *own them all too*. I like that new one too, Drawn Together.

(21) Whats your favorite love movie?
Duh, “The Notebook”. Before that was “When Harry Met Sally”.

(22) Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
In my grandma’s backyard…next to all the dead dogs and cats. She’s lived in that house for something like 50 years, and if you know my grandmother you can imagine what sort of critters you would unearth there.

(23) What do you drink with dinner?
Water. I’m not a huge fan of drinking with food. I do like to drink before dinner though. Usually a glass of wine. I’ve become quite fond of the margarita in restaurants lately.

(24) What do you dip Chicken Nuggets in?
Ranch. Unless they’re McDonalds chicken nuggets and then it’s gotta be sweet and sour.

(25) What is your favorite food/cuisine?
Mexican. But Thai and East Indian are getting up there!

(26) What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
“Closer”, “Shawshank Redemption”, and “Zoolander”

(27) Last person you hugged/kissed?
Probably Tiki.

(28) Were you ever a boy/girl scout:?
Ugh. No way man.

(29) Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Sure.

(30) When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper:?
Oh god. Probably when Theresa was in the service. I used to write her these hilarious accounts of scenarios at my job. She thought one was so funny she sent it back to me when we were feuding so that I could keep it for my records. Maybe I’ll find it and post it in here. I definitely think I’ve lost a lot of my wit in my old age.

(31) Can you change the oil in a car?
Buh. I wish I could.

I am totally screwed when it comes to anything mechanical.
*insert laugh here*

(32) Ever gotten a speeding ticket:?
No suh!

(33) Run out of gas?
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. A few times.

(34) Favorite kind of sandwich?
Turkey, havarti cheese, mayonnaise, mustard…that’s it! On a white, soft roll.

(35) Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Eggs over medium and potatoes.. smothered in ketchup. I know I know, I get so much shit for that.

(36) What is your usual bedtime:
Do I have to answer? Honestly, probably around three a.m.

(37) Are you lazy?
Yep. I’ll make an attempt to fix that…tomorrow.

(38) When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween:
Probably me favorite costume was when I was about nine, I was a dead bride. What can I say? My mother and I are very morbid people.

(39) How many languages do you know:
I can make do in three languages other than English. I got Spanish, French, and German. What’s funny about this is that I just randomly picked up French. I studied Spanish for years and years.. and then I took German for a bit. I like to be educated in words.

(40) Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Yes, Sports Illustrated and National Geographic.

(41) Which are better, Lego’s or Lincoln logs:
Legos. Although honestly, I could give two shits.

(42) Are you stubborn:
I like to think that I’m a very laid back person who is adaptable to change.

(43) Who is better...Leno or Letterman:
Letterman, he’s more of an asshole. I like that in a human being.

(44) Ever watch soap operas?
Only when I’m at Jenelle and Tiki’s.

(45) Afraid of heights:
Nope. Unless I’m in an airplane. You should see me. When I’m up there I would give my firstborn to get the fuck down from there.

(46) Sing in the car:
Hell yes. Deal with it.

(47) Dance in the shower:
Uh huh. But not too often. My mother gave me a complex that I’m going to slip, fall, and crack my head open if I fart around in the shower too much. I always get the image of the blood pouring out of my head and being diluted by the water as it goes down the drain. My naked body will lay tangled up in the shower curtain, half in and half out of the tub when the firemen break the door down to try to save me.

(48) Dance in the car:
Not so much. I don’t mind being a douche, so long as people can’t see me being a douche.

(49) Ever used a gun?
Actually, no. it has been on my to do list for quite some time too.

(50) Do you think musicals are cheesy:
The gay man inside of my body thinks that they are just fabulous.

(51) Is Christmas stressful?
BUH. Not stressful, but Christmas time *does* blow balls.

(52) Ever eat a pirogi?:
Actually, yes. I have some in my freezer at this very second. They’re a Russian dumpling and they look exactly like a potsticker. They are filled with all kinds of shit depending on the type you try. The ones in my freezer are filled with potatoes, go figure.

(53) Favorite type of fruit pie?
Banana Cream Pie is the shit. Any other fruit filled pie will drive me to vomit.

(54) Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid:
Either an Archaeologist, Egyptologist, or a Paleontologist.

(55) Do you believe in ghosts:?
Sometimes. Depends on the day.

(56) Ever have a deja-vu feeling:?
Yeah, for some reason I get them mostly when I’m hungover. Hah. What do you suppose that means?

(57) Take a vitamin daily:
Uh huh. I'm terrified of the prospect of being a fifty year old woman with bones disintegrating into powdered milk.

(58) Wear slippers:
Oh man. Slippers are the fucking best, I have five pairs.

(59) Wear a bath robe:
No!! Yet another thing that has been on my to do list for a long ass time. Walking around kinda naked, but not all the way naked sounds like the coolest thing -ever-.

(60) What do you wear to bed:
pajama pants with a t-shirt.

(61) Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart
Target. I’ll pay the extra fifty cents on tampons any day.

(62) Nike or Adidas:
Nikes. They’re actually the only pair of real shoes I own.

(63) Cheetos Or Fritos:
Cheetos. But every once in a blue moon I’ll get a hankerin’ for some chili cheese Fritos with some cream cheese. It has to be the fattest fucking thing imaginable.

(64) Peanuts or Sunflower seeds:
Sunflower seeds, preferably ranch. There is something truly therapeutic about sunflower seeds for me.

(65) Ever hear of, "gorp"?
No, but sounds like something I want NO part in. --Seriously, doesn’t that just sound completely fishy?

(66) Ever taken dance lessons:?
Countless and countless hours have been spent taking dance lessons in my life. They provide the best fucking feeling in the world too.

(67) Ever kissed someone of the same sex:
Yeah, honestly..what chick hasn’t?

(68) Can you curl your tongue:
Like a taco? Or an oyster? Either way, I can do both. I sure as hell had to check though.

(69) Have you ever cried because you were so happy:
No. But I always try to so that people will understand just how happy they may have made me. It never happens though. Things just never really get to people unless there are tears involved. People always wanna see the tears, and I ain’t got none.

(70) Own any record albums:
Tons. They were given to me though. I probably have somewhere around 200 spanning all the great music from the 60s to the 80s.

(71) Own a record player:
NO! but consider that added to my to do list. I wonder how much they go for on eBay.

(72) Regularly burn incense:
No, but I think incense rocks. The 12 year old in me misses incense.

(73) Ever been in love:
No suh.

(74) Hot tea or cold tea:
Hot green tea. Cold black cinnamon tea.

(75) Tea or coffee:
Hm. Depends on what I need. When I’m stressed or home I am all the fuck over some tea. When I am either at school or going to school, or doing homework I always want coffee.

(76) Favorite kind of cookie:?
Chocolate Chip, preferably with little to no chocolate.

(77) Can you swim well:?
Yes, and I am quite proud of that too. When I was fourteen I got caught stealing, so my mom grounded me for my whole freshman year. You can imagine what that would have done to my very fragile social life at that time. So I had to think fast and smart. I did just that! I joined the swim team cause all of my other new friends were joining the swim team. One problem - I had NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO SWIM. I was all too brilliant, my mother had no clue whatsoever to my ploy… Riiiight.

(78) Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose:
Yeah.

(79) Are you patient?
Yes, and very patient at that.

(80) DJ or band, at a wedding:
DJ. There is nothing better than cheesy ass party songs.

(81) Ever won a contest:?
I can honestly say that I have never won anything in my whole life. Hah. That sounded way more depressing than it really is.

(82) Ever had plastic surgery?
No, but I am looking into certain options for a someday.

(83) Which are better black or green olives:
Green olives are the shit. When I was bartending the best thing in the world was making myself a cherry coke with the grenadine and coca cola and eating green olives with it. The two incredible extremes of the super sweet and the super salty were delicious. It used to gross the fuck out of everyone in the bar.

(84) Can you knit or crochet:
Nope.

(85) Wash room or bathroom:
Water Closet. No, only kidding. Bathroom.

(86) Do you want to get married?
At this point in my life not so much.

(87) Who was your HS crush:
Oh god, the better question would be who wasn’t my high school crush. I was in love with everybody back then. They always had nicknames too.

(88) Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way:
When I’m drunk I will throw the biggest fit you will ever see. It is honestly re-god-damn-diculous.

(89) Do you have kids?
Not that I know of.

(90) Do you want kids?
Not that I know of. Hah!

(91) What’s your favorite color:?
Black, pink, and teal.

(92) Do you miss anyone right now:
Uh huh. Theresa, Charlie, and Casey.

(93) Who do you wanna see right now:
Really, no one. I am liking the whole lone wolf thing I got goin on here.

(94) What is your Dream job?
Refer to question # 54.

(95) Rainy days or sunny days?
I hate the rain so much it hurts. Nothing sucks more than having the back bottom part of your jeans wet. So yes, sunny days.

(96) NBC,FOX,ABC,or CBS?
Eh. FOX, but only because of SYTYCD. Other then that I could care less.

(97)Tigger or Pooh?
BUH! Tigger is an annoying bastard who ruins EVERYTHING! He is always the damn shit starter. So by default, Pooh. But he sucks too. Piglet can’t get a word out, and Owl is a damned know it all pervert who hangs out with all the much younger animals. Eeyore has a number of anxiety disorders that any amount of pills could never fix (not to mention that little tid bit about his tail falling off, but I won’t get into that). Roo is a little brat that needs to stop being so spoiled, get out of his mother’s pouch and grow up. And Kanga is clearly a lesbian. Christopher Robin was kinda cool I guess.

(98) Alvin,Simon, or Theadore?
Whichever the fat one was. I hated his hair though, it made him look dumpier than he was.

(99) Romance or straight to the point?
Romance please.

100) Happy or rich?
I didn’t know they were two different things (?).

imma needa changa undawear

So for this whole season of So You Think You Can Dance i have found myself pretty much disappointed with both the choreography and the caliber of contestants...until tonight. Jeasous Christ on a cross. i was completely blown away by so many of the routines this evening...i thought i was gonna shit my pants hearing that there was going to be a pas de deux performed on the show that night *i begged every deity in the book that it would be performed by katee and will....luckily one of them loved me and it was*.... and then a beautiful contemporary piece was performed by Gev *a breakdancer* and Chelsie *a Latin/Ballroom dancer*...

Missionary Position

So, i know what i want for my Christmas present this year. i want a calendar. But not just any calendar.. i want this calendar. It's a mormon calendar. Twelve fine ass guys who are former Mormon missionaries *as in they already completed their missions and are living their lives as mormats* agreed to pose topless for the calendar *it of course donates hella of the money to charity*. The 2009 calendar is released on September 1, 2008... So hop to it bitches!

your sins are the most interesting things about you

Someone who was like a big brother to me put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger last night..i fucking hate the illness that is sadness.

jism

MAC just released these....i could die.. look at that red and black one....oooggghhh!

fucked up off some vodka and antibiotics

OH MY FUCKING GOD.




are these two women not THE drunkest bitches you have ever seen in your life?! Hair...everywhere....bra strap around the shoulder. Slurring the lyrics of a cheesy country song...stumbling past a cop, and not caring. Yes..oh yes...it's me and Audra at like three in the a.m. in Reno. Prepare yourselves, bitches.

"It's like god is feeling me up!" - Audra

i always wonder what it is about my friends and myself that keeps people wanting more. Then i stumble across random gems like this, that quickly remind me. We are all full of wit and charm. This, mes frères is yet another video from Reno. It includes a gentleman. His name was...damn...what was this guys name? i think it was something white and generic a la Dave, or John. Eh well. He was an Australian Triathlete that we met and befriended. He was a really, really nice and cool guy. He fell head over heels for Audra's timeless charm, honed after years and years of practice.

her dick probably, really is bigger than yours

George

George is a Scottish bartender in Reno. Last year when we all *there were seven of us in toto* in Reno for mine and Jenelle's birthday we were at a bar called Drinx and he was bartending there. i was belligerently drunk at that point and paying George five bucks to scream "Freedom!" like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. i made that guy yell "freedom" at least thirty times. He gave me a million and one *free* top shelf cosmopolitans and needless to say, a crush was born. So this year you can understand the sheer giddiness i had when walking up to Drinx the first night in Reno and seeing George tending the bar. i re-introduced myself as "the drunk bitch who kept paying you to scream 'freedom'". He, of course, completely remembered me. He gave me a hug and yes, two kisses on each cheek and a cosmopolitan was ordered for me, and a dirty martini for Jenelle. Two cosmos later and three martinis later Jenelle and i asked him to do it one more time....for old times sake if you will...This is what ensued..




Aahh.....It is love..

poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another

Summarization of Reno -

vodka, bud/coors light, more vodka, some red bull, vodka, carrying jenelle's passed out body around casinos, cosmopolitans *which contain lotsa vodka*, an Australian triathlete, peeing with the door open, a rum and coke for good measure, a lap dance from the hottest chick ever, peeing my pants from laughing, being a nice lady, kamikaze shots from W.C., Mustafa fondling Jenelle, green olives, free beer, launching Jenelle's limp body onto the tram, Audra getting hit on by a guy with *THE* largest nose i have ever seen in my life, buckets of Corona, Jenelle hitting her head on things about 7.8 times, shots of rum straight outta the bottle to get rid of the hangover, millions of cowboy hats, taking antibiotics with a beer, dancing on a dancefloor while it's raining glass, getting two rude ass cowboys escorted out of the casino, a couple of vodka crans *so the cran could hydrate me*, stumbling down the hallways with audra arguing over who was the nicer lady, Jenelle cockblocking and Zoltar predicting it!..and messages from Mustafa to a passed out Jenelle -



Seee...i told you Zoltar predicted the cockblock of the century - -





















As we were checking out of out hotel i was going up an escalator and was reminded of a memory from about four years ago.

So this story is set back when i was involved with the San Jose Raiders World guard. During my rookie year i was at one of the infamous Raider parties that i had been hearing about since i was 15. Of course i had always heard about the craziness that went on at those things, for the longest time i assumed that they were all highly exaggerated..But as time passed on and stories would be told to me by the Vets i quickly got into the know that these fuckers knew how to party. Awesome. i was young and totally wanted to prove myself. i had a young liver and a passion for tequila at the time. So at my first Raider party i bought a bottle of tequila *Jose Cuervo Gold to be exact*. It was probably somewhere around 1 a.m. and i was sitting in a circle with the gorgeous women that i aspired to be like for the past five years and was in complete awe that i was befriending my idols. i absentmindedly took swigs straight out of my bottle with no chaser as i chatted along with the conversations. After about twenty minutes of this one of the most outspoken women i have ever come to know squawked at me "Okay! i can't watch you do that anymore..My gag reflex is in high fucking gear right now." Confused and butthurt i furrowed my eyebrows and figured i had been doing something completely disgusing in my drunken stupor and hadn't realized it. Seeing that i was completely oblivious to what was grossing her out she apologetically gestured toward the bottle of tequila in my hand. "Sorry Colin, it's just that in my old age i cannot even fathom drinking tequila like that anymore.." i raised an eyebrow and was barely capable of stammering out "--but.....you're only 23.." She and her friends threw their heads back and giggled, she patted my on my poofy, untamed curly head and simply said with a smile "you'll understand when you're my age".

As i was standing on the escalator, feeling like a steaming pile of shit...complete with the "wong, wong, wong" noise pounding in my head, the hot and cold sweats, the dizziness, the nausea, the sore -everything- the only thought that kept popping into my now 23 year old brain was "i am getting too fucking old for this.." i Now completely understand where she was coming from, and for the record...i can't touch tequila anymore unless it is heavily covered up with triple sec, sweet and sour, salt, and hella limes.

Romeo and Juliet are together in eternity.

If i ever find a genie in a lamp, the first thing i am wishing for is to be able to play the Violin like Midori. She is so badass that she simply goes by her first name, Midori. She once played at Tanglewood when she was 14 years old. She broke her E-string twice and had to borrow violins from the concertmaster and associate concertmaster. The bitch had the legendary Leonard Bernstein, who was conducting that night, kneeling before her in awe. Not just because she was 14 either..but because she was amazing. Here's a video clip of her playing in Carnegie Hall..playing one of my all time favorite classical pieces. Chopin's "Nocturne in C Sharp Minor". The video quality is shitty, but the other video of her in Carnegie Hall has shittier sound. So just don't watch the video, but listen.



Now, i've always been a huge Journey and Queen fan. i was raised on that shit..and to this day i love it to pieces. So with the depature of stinky ass Steve Perry, for reals...that guy had a HORRIBLE odor, and with the death of my beloved Freddie Mercury i had to be happy with their old stuff. But not now..Journey got a new singer and i think he sounds better than Stinky Steve. As a matter of fact, i'm going to see them in September at the Concord Pavilion and can hardly wait. Unfortunately the same outcome with Queen is not what i got. Paul Rodgers, who sang for Bad Company *a band i'm a slight fan of* is trying to sing lead for Queen. i saw them play for the Nelson Mandela concert..i tried very, very hard to like them. but that guy doesn't have the pipes to sing along to the crazy riffs Brian May provides. Not even close. He seemed like he was singing back up vocals to the damned guitar. It broke my fucking heart. i wish the boys woulda just left it alone. Really. i genuinely feel that way. i promise i gave it an honest try too. Maybe i'll go and listen to it again. On another note, anyone catch the trainwreck that is Amy Winehouse?....buh. i thought for sure she was going to fall or show her poo-nanny like seven times.

So a blog about Reno will appear shortly..i'm still semi-recuperating from the craziness..It was without a doubt A Weekend at Bernie's. i'll explain later..buahahahah!

Reno, here i come...hopefully i make it home alive.

i'm currently doing laundry..juiced up on crazy amounts of pills. These "antibiotics with a kick" which render me all noodly-armed and funky feeling..Nasal Decongestants, Tylenol, these horse pill sized vitamins which smell like a 32 day old rotten colon, Airbourne, and copious amounts of water..and then the occasional bowl of scalding hot miso soup and bubbling hot tea with honey by the spoonful. i'm taking this shit every four hours on the dot. Sleeping 12 hours every night and taking two one hour naps throughout the day. i'm feeling quite a bit better than i was yesterday thank god. i'm on what i have thought of as the express train to kicking illness in the ass. i *REFUSE* to feel like shit on my birthday. i have been looking forward to this trip to Reno for months upon months on end. i'm not allowed to drink alcohol while taking these antibiotics... We'll see how that pans out..i'm sure i'll have a Corona in my hand by 11. HAH. Meh...go big or go the fuck home, right?

My birthday is in three days. i got Strep Throat on Saturday. i have no medical coverage.


Happy Fucking Birthday to me.

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

so since i was little....like around five i have had two chronic problems.


one...) i get really bad leg cramps.. excruiating pain. To the point where i have lain in fetal position for hours sobbing. i have gotten these things all of my life. i have seen the doctor about them, and they always say the same thing, that i'm just getting taller..Even though i am currently at five foot eight at 22 years of age. Whatever. i'll just assume that i am dying because of these leg cramps. Another problem of mine......................as lame as it sounds. The hiccups. i get them randomly for hours upon hours on end. i cannot stop them. they cause giant headaches...and they're just plain strange. i mean seriously, who gets the hiccups for hours?!

Currently, as i type this, i am smack damn in the middle of having the hiccups for three hours and counting. i try everything. holding my breath. drinking sugar water. drinking *ice* cold water. drinking water from the opposite side of the cup. thinking about other stuff. *NOTHING* works....nothing ever works. i just end up miserable for hours...mostly around four hours..i'm entering hour three and a half...all i want to do is sleep...but i can't.




oh god.....kill me now..it would be so much easier for me..




and on that note..my birthday is in six days. Truth be told. i'm excited. i get the feeling that 23 will be a fun and exciting year for me.


p.s. my phone is dun-zo. my father spilled water on it...so don't expect any phone calls from me for a while now...it's probably for the best, i am quite sure of that.

Real death.

So my next door neighbors have lived next to me since i was a baby. Don and Inez are two of the nicest people ever. i used to play with their grandson Tyler when we were little and was fortunate enough to go to high school with him and get to know him as an adult. He's a cool guy. i was coming home tonight after hanging out with a close friend of mine when i saw a fire truck coming down my street. So of course a sense of panic floods me as i follow it down the labyrinth that is my neighborhood. By the time i turn onto my own personal street i am flying at 50 mph following this fire truck, and now ambulance knowing that someone *cough, fatman, cough* has broken into my home and shot my father. i pull up and see them parked in front of my drive way. My heart rate is at an all time high when i pull my gear into "P". i sit in my truck staring off into space, crying. Panicked. Completely panicked. i see the EMTs come out of their vehicles and run a stretcher into my neighbors house. The strange thing? i wasn't relieved. A new sense of panic flooded my body. Is Don okay? Is Inez alright? i have to find out. i jog into my house and grab a make up wipe to rid my face of it's Urban Decay make up and peek out my window for at least ten minutes...both wiping the make up off and crying the make up off. i have known these people for nearly all of my life. i care about them. i didn't know this until now. i won't go into the details about what happened next. i don't feel as though it is any of my business to tell. But i really want to go and knock on the door to see if they need anyone to help them. i don't really know if this is appropriate, or warranted for that matter. But i have been crying for a while and feel like shit. Because i want to be there for the people that i care for, even if i only just now realized that. i hate the concept of death, simply in that it makes people realize things all too late most of the time. We never expect it to impact us. We all have this Superman concept, that we are invincible... and then of course it hits you like a kick to the side, knocking the wind out of you. Never to be seen, or expected. What a shitty thing.








Seriously, what shitty thing.








It really forces you to put things into perspective. That your problems, really aren't that big of a deal...to just get over shit. That there are larger things happening in this world.


Sometimes right next door.