imma needa changa undawear

So for this whole season of So You Think You Can Dance i have found myself pretty much disappointed with both the choreography and the caliber of contestants...until tonight. Jeasous Christ on a cross. i was completely blown away by so many of the routines this evening...i thought i was gonna shit my pants hearing that there was going to be a pas de deux performed on the show that night *i begged every deity in the book that it would be performed by katee and will....luckily one of them loved me and it was*.... and then a beautiful contemporary piece was performed by Gev *a breakdancer* and Chelsie *a Latin/Ballroom dancer*...

Missionary Position

So, i know what i want for my Christmas present this year. i want a calendar. But not just any calendar.. i want this calendar. It's a mormon calendar. Twelve fine ass guys who are former Mormon missionaries *as in they already completed their missions and are living their lives as mormats* agreed to pose topless for the calendar *it of course donates hella of the money to charity*. The 2009 calendar is released on September 1, 2008... So hop to it bitches!

your sins are the most interesting things about you

Someone who was like a big brother to me put a pistol in his mouth and pulled the trigger last night..i fucking hate the illness that is sadness.

jism

MAC just released these....i could die.. look at that red and black one....oooggghhh!

fucked up off some vodka and antibiotics

OH MY FUCKING GOD.




are these two women not THE drunkest bitches you have ever seen in your life?! Hair...everywhere....bra strap around the shoulder. Slurring the lyrics of a cheesy country song...stumbling past a cop, and not caring. Yes..oh yes...it's me and Audra at like three in the a.m. in Reno. Prepare yourselves, bitches.

"It's like god is feeling me up!" - Audra

i always wonder what it is about my friends and myself that keeps people wanting more. Then i stumble across random gems like this, that quickly remind me. We are all full of wit and charm. This, mes frères is yet another video from Reno. It includes a gentleman. His name was...damn...what was this guys name? i think it was something white and generic a la Dave, or John. Eh well. He was an Australian Triathlete that we met and befriended. He was a really, really nice and cool guy. He fell head over heels for Audra's timeless charm, honed after years and years of practice.

her dick probably, really is bigger than yours

George

George is a Scottish bartender in Reno. Last year when we all *there were seven of us in toto* in Reno for mine and Jenelle's birthday we were at a bar called Drinx and he was bartending there. i was belligerently drunk at that point and paying George five bucks to scream "Freedom!" like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. i made that guy yell "freedom" at least thirty times. He gave me a million and one *free* top shelf cosmopolitans and needless to say, a crush was born. So this year you can understand the sheer giddiness i had when walking up to Drinx the first night in Reno and seeing George tending the bar. i re-introduced myself as "the drunk bitch who kept paying you to scream 'freedom'". He, of course, completely remembered me. He gave me a hug and yes, two kisses on each cheek and a cosmopolitan was ordered for me, and a dirty martini for Jenelle. Two cosmos later and three martinis later Jenelle and i asked him to do it one more time....for old times sake if you will...This is what ensued..




Aahh.....It is love..

poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another

Summarization of Reno -

vodka, bud/coors light, more vodka, some red bull, vodka, carrying jenelle's passed out body around casinos, cosmopolitans *which contain lotsa vodka*, an Australian triathlete, peeing with the door open, a rum and coke for good measure, a lap dance from the hottest chick ever, peeing my pants from laughing, being a nice lady, kamikaze shots from W.C., Mustafa fondling Jenelle, green olives, free beer, launching Jenelle's limp body onto the tram, Audra getting hit on by a guy with *THE* largest nose i have ever seen in my life, buckets of Corona, Jenelle hitting her head on things about 7.8 times, shots of rum straight outta the bottle to get rid of the hangover, millions of cowboy hats, taking antibiotics with a beer, dancing on a dancefloor while it's raining glass, getting two rude ass cowboys escorted out of the casino, a couple of vodka crans *so the cran could hydrate me*, stumbling down the hallways with audra arguing over who was the nicer lady, Jenelle cockblocking and Zoltar predicting it!..and messages from Mustafa to a passed out Jenelle -



Seee...i told you Zoltar predicted the cockblock of the century - -





















As we were checking out of out hotel i was going up an escalator and was reminded of a memory from about four years ago.

So this story is set back when i was involved with the San Jose Raiders World guard. During my rookie year i was at one of the infamous Raider parties that i had been hearing about since i was 15. Of course i had always heard about the craziness that went on at those things, for the longest time i assumed that they were all highly exaggerated..But as time passed on and stories would be told to me by the Vets i quickly got into the know that these fuckers knew how to party. Awesome. i was young and totally wanted to prove myself. i had a young liver and a passion for tequila at the time. So at my first Raider party i bought a bottle of tequila *Jose Cuervo Gold to be exact*. It was probably somewhere around 1 a.m. and i was sitting in a circle with the gorgeous women that i aspired to be like for the past five years and was in complete awe that i was befriending my idols. i absentmindedly took swigs straight out of my bottle with no chaser as i chatted along with the conversations. After about twenty minutes of this one of the most outspoken women i have ever come to know squawked at me "Okay! i can't watch you do that anymore..My gag reflex is in high fucking gear right now." Confused and butthurt i furrowed my eyebrows and figured i had been doing something completely disgusing in my drunken stupor and hadn't realized it. Seeing that i was completely oblivious to what was grossing her out she apologetically gestured toward the bottle of tequila in my hand. "Sorry Colin, it's just that in my old age i cannot even fathom drinking tequila like that anymore.." i raised an eyebrow and was barely capable of stammering out "--but.....you're only 23.." She and her friends threw their heads back and giggled, she patted my on my poofy, untamed curly head and simply said with a smile "you'll understand when you're my age".

As i was standing on the escalator, feeling like a steaming pile of shit...complete with the "wong, wong, wong" noise pounding in my head, the hot and cold sweats, the dizziness, the nausea, the sore -everything- the only thought that kept popping into my now 23 year old brain was "i am getting too fucking old for this.." i Now completely understand where she was coming from, and for the record...i can't touch tequila anymore unless it is heavily covered up with triple sec, sweet and sour, salt, and hella limes.

Romeo and Juliet are together in eternity.

If i ever find a genie in a lamp, the first thing i am wishing for is to be able to play the Violin like Midori. She is so badass that she simply goes by her first name, Midori. She once played at Tanglewood when she was 14 years old. She broke her E-string twice and had to borrow violins from the concertmaster and associate concertmaster. The bitch had the legendary Leonard Bernstein, who was conducting that night, kneeling before her in awe. Not just because she was 14 either..but because she was amazing. Here's a video clip of her playing in Carnegie Hall..playing one of my all time favorite classical pieces. Chopin's "Nocturne in C Sharp Minor". The video quality is shitty, but the other video of her in Carnegie Hall has shittier sound. So just don't watch the video, but listen.



Now, i've always been a huge Journey and Queen fan. i was raised on that shit..and to this day i love it to pieces. So with the depature of stinky ass Steve Perry, for reals...that guy had a HORRIBLE odor, and with the death of my beloved Freddie Mercury i had to be happy with their old stuff. But not now..Journey got a new singer and i think he sounds better than Stinky Steve. As a matter of fact, i'm going to see them in September at the Concord Pavilion and can hardly wait. Unfortunately the same outcome with Queen is not what i got. Paul Rodgers, who sang for Bad Company *a band i'm a slight fan of* is trying to sing lead for Queen. i saw them play for the Nelson Mandela concert..i tried very, very hard to like them. but that guy doesn't have the pipes to sing along to the crazy riffs Brian May provides. Not even close. He seemed like he was singing back up vocals to the damned guitar. It broke my fucking heart. i wish the boys woulda just left it alone. Really. i genuinely feel that way. i promise i gave it an honest try too. Maybe i'll go and listen to it again. On another note, anyone catch the trainwreck that is Amy Winehouse?....buh. i thought for sure she was going to fall or show her poo-nanny like seven times.

So a blog about Reno will appear shortly..i'm still semi-recuperating from the craziness..It was without a doubt A Weekend at Bernie's. i'll explain later..buahahahah!

Reno, here i come...hopefully i make it home alive.

i'm currently doing laundry..juiced up on crazy amounts of pills. These "antibiotics with a kick" which render me all noodly-armed and funky feeling..Nasal Decongestants, Tylenol, these horse pill sized vitamins which smell like a 32 day old rotten colon, Airbourne, and copious amounts of water..and then the occasional bowl of scalding hot miso soup and bubbling hot tea with honey by the spoonful. i'm taking this shit every four hours on the dot. Sleeping 12 hours every night and taking two one hour naps throughout the day. i'm feeling quite a bit better than i was yesterday thank god. i'm on what i have thought of as the express train to kicking illness in the ass. i *REFUSE* to feel like shit on my birthday. i have been looking forward to this trip to Reno for months upon months on end. i'm not allowed to drink alcohol while taking these antibiotics... We'll see how that pans out..i'm sure i'll have a Corona in my hand by 11. HAH. Meh...go big or go the fuck home, right?

My birthday is in three days. i got Strep Throat on Saturday. i have no medical coverage.


Happy Fucking Birthday to me.

Nobody likes you when you're 23.

so since i was little....like around five i have had two chronic problems.


one...) i get really bad leg cramps.. excruiating pain. To the point where i have lain in fetal position for hours sobbing. i have gotten these things all of my life. i have seen the doctor about them, and they always say the same thing, that i'm just getting taller..Even though i am currently at five foot eight at 22 years of age. Whatever. i'll just assume that i am dying because of these leg cramps. Another problem of mine......................as lame as it sounds. The hiccups. i get them randomly for hours upon hours on end. i cannot stop them. they cause giant headaches...and they're just plain strange. i mean seriously, who gets the hiccups for hours?!

Currently, as i type this, i am smack damn in the middle of having the hiccups for three hours and counting. i try everything. holding my breath. drinking sugar water. drinking *ice* cold water. drinking water from the opposite side of the cup. thinking about other stuff. *NOTHING* works....nothing ever works. i just end up miserable for hours...mostly around four hours..i'm entering hour three and a half...all i want to do is sleep...but i can't.




oh god.....kill me now..it would be so much easier for me..




and on that note..my birthday is in six days. Truth be told. i'm excited. i get the feeling that 23 will be a fun and exciting year for me.


p.s. my phone is dun-zo. my father spilled water on it...so don't expect any phone calls from me for a while now...it's probably for the best, i am quite sure of that.

Real death.

So my next door neighbors have lived next to me since i was a baby. Don and Inez are two of the nicest people ever. i used to play with their grandson Tyler when we were little and was fortunate enough to go to high school with him and get to know him as an adult. He's a cool guy. i was coming home tonight after hanging out with a close friend of mine when i saw a fire truck coming down my street. So of course a sense of panic floods me as i follow it down the labyrinth that is my neighborhood. By the time i turn onto my own personal street i am flying at 50 mph following this fire truck, and now ambulance knowing that someone *cough, fatman, cough* has broken into my home and shot my father. i pull up and see them parked in front of my drive way. My heart rate is at an all time high when i pull my gear into "P". i sit in my truck staring off into space, crying. Panicked. Completely panicked. i see the EMTs come out of their vehicles and run a stretcher into my neighbors house. The strange thing? i wasn't relieved. A new sense of panic flooded my body. Is Don okay? Is Inez alright? i have to find out. i jog into my house and grab a make up wipe to rid my face of it's Urban Decay make up and peek out my window for at least ten minutes...both wiping the make up off and crying the make up off. i have known these people for nearly all of my life. i care about them. i didn't know this until now. i won't go into the details about what happened next. i don't feel as though it is any of my business to tell. But i really want to go and knock on the door to see if they need anyone to help them. i don't really know if this is appropriate, or warranted for that matter. But i have been crying for a while and feel like shit. Because i want to be there for the people that i care for, even if i only just now realized that. i hate the concept of death, simply in that it makes people realize things all too late most of the time. We never expect it to impact us. We all have this Superman concept, that we are invincible... and then of course it hits you like a kick to the side, knocking the wind out of you. Never to be seen, or expected. What a shitty thing.








Seriously, what shitty thing.








It really forces you to put things into perspective. That your problems, really aren't that big of a deal...to just get over shit. That there are larger things happening in this world.


Sometimes right next door.

Those pesky christians..cause i'm sure none of them ever wanna rub one off.

So i seemed to have forgotten. That swimming while drunk and naked is the most awesome thing ever. i just got done swimming shitfaced, and naked for like two hours. GLORIOUS. Don't ever let me forget this again. This weekend is going to kick ass. Tomorrow *er, today* i'm gonna be in Vacaville with hella of my good friends at the Freak Walk for Cajun night hanging out with the old white and black people, as Tou'Saint so beautifully put it. Then after that we're drinking at someone's house..whose i'm not quite sure yet...but somewheres. Then on Saturday i'm taking my dad to a Giants game. He doesn't know this yet...but i dropped around 160 bucks for some kickass tickets two rows back from the field on the first base line. i won't tell him how much i paid, he'll get pissed at me...but i need some Pappy time. Poor Matt Cain is gonna be pitching...and if he loses *which the Giants ALWAYS lose to the god damn A's* i'll be a sad puppy..Cause that guy pitches his ass off...and i'm almost positive that he's 2-3...and it's for the most part not his fault. Poor guy. i hope he gets a W on Saturday. Anyway...time for bed...i'm in such a loving mood right now..it kicks ass.


Hey - - anyone wanna go with me to the new porn shoppe in Vacaville to spray lube on the Christains picketing?? i want to attack them with lube and dildos so f-ing bad...Seriously..can you fucking believe this shit?!

utter sadness

ewwww...i just spent the last thirty minutes crying............................... who does that?






























i'll tell you who...






weak people.

Cinematic Adventures

Oh god, i so cannot sleep. i am on this incredibly shitty sleeping pattern. All because i have zero things to do. Don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i *LOVE* being like this. Almost completely nocturnal. i used to be like this when i was around 17, which made going to high school kinda hard....so i just never went. i just got done watching the Narnia movie, not the new one. i did this because i was sick of people telling me how good it was. i had lost faith in PG movies. So now i have seen it and gained my own opinion of the film. i thought it was great. Is it sick though, that i found something kinda hot about the fawn? Meh. That's alright, to each his own. i wanna see the Prince Caspian one now...it's still out. i think i'll see that...and then after that i'll see Robert Downey McDisaster Jr. in that Iron movie....then imma check out the Indy flick. i've got a lot of catching up to do.

Procrastinate NOW, don't put it off.

Alright so i've been watching some stand up...and i came across an Ellen DeGeneres show that she did a bit back. My sister said it best. Ellen DeGeneres is truth. She does a WHOLE show based around procrastination. She talks about how everything in our lives is catered to speed things up. . .so that we can have more time to procrastinate. Here are two of my favorite clips from her show. They're in order if you play them right after one another.

thank god for summer vacation.

i am so completely exhausted; mentally, physically, and spritually. i just cannot believe at how annoying everything in my life is. The fucked up thing? It just keeps getting worse and worse. One of the things i like about myself is how laid back i am. It all stems from when i was younger and would let everyone and anything walk all over me, because i had no opinions..rather, i lacked the balls to let any of my thoughts, feelings, opinions, preferences, and such be known. As time ages me i have changed into someone who is more laid back. i feel like i let what i want known heard, but most of the time i don't need to say what's on my mind. Let me just say that i hate hate hate confrontation, still. i would just rather ignore it and let shit work its way out. This unfortunately does not work for all people, and it tends to come off to them that i just don't care. i don't know how this ties into why i am so upset right now. . but i feel like it needs to be talked out. i just found out tonight at dinner that someone i considered a very good friend, is feeling a certain way towards me.. Go figure he feels like he can't tell me this shit. This is not the first time this week that i have experienced this..but with different people. If you got something on your mind, or if something is bothering you...instead of fucking acting weird around me...TELL ME. Now i know why i was babbling up there about. When i have a problem, sometimes i tell people, most of the time i don't. Because i can separate the stupid shit from the important things. But if it's something that's going to bother me to where i feel like i need to act negatively toward the person who is pissing me off...Then i know that something needs to be said. . . and then things get handled. i am just so pissed off and done with certain people right now. i am so completely annoyed right now. i think for the next two days i'll be M.I.A. i just need to disappear for a while.






on a side note - why does morgan freeman have the best voice ever?

utter sadness.

oh my god. hillary is basically done.























i want to kill myself because of it.





















i knew it would happen..yet, nothing could have prepared me for this.