You're so new.

So i like to think that i have a way with words. Not that i'm necessarily the best that i know. But i feel as though i can hold my own. Therefore, i feel like i was also cursed with the incapability of being able to convey what i think and feel, verbally. For some reason i have always been terrified of telling people how i really feel or what i actually want. Whether i was a four year old in Santa's lap or a twelve year old ordering food in a restaurant or an awkward 16 year old trying to tell my almost boyfriend that i wanted to kiss him. I've always had this horrible attribute of being "shy". i use the term "shy" very loosely in that i myself am not a very shy person in most situations. In a room around a bunch of strangers i tend to be pretty comfortable. i've had a lot of people go as far as to tell me that *as queer as it is* i'm the life of the party. i like to think that i am, who wouldn't? i'm clearly getting off track. Basically, i never ever tell people what i really feel, unless i'm asked. i'm shy in that i will not ever say what i have going on in my head, because 100% of the time i am terrified of the truth. i always say that most of the time i would prefer ignorance. it's so much easier to deal with in the long run of things. i hate rejection. Absolutley abhor it. i would much more like to just pretend that things are different. i know this is a horribly terrible thing. But what can i say? i LOVE living in a fantasy world. i'm sure that'll put me in a really shitty place in the future. but i'm all about short-term gratification. One of those horrible attributes that i am quite sure will never change in me. So after going on a horrible tangent the main point of this blog is to complain about myself. i am a scared person. More so than your typical human. Scared of change. Scared of rejection. Scared of denial. Scared of failure. Just plain terrifed of things that will hurt me. i know that it's a fact of life to be scared of such things, and that growing up is becoming not so scared of these things. But i genuinely feel that these fears makes up a huge part of me, even if that is a negative part of moi. They have ruined a lot of wonderful things that i have had, and things that i have almost had. i know that naturally i will grow out of some of them, i already have. i am WAY better than i used to be. Ask any one of my high school friends of what a huge pussy i was. Anyway, the point of all of this is that my fears have rendered me incapable of telling someone how i have felt for the past hmm...year or so..and i have just recently *yesterday* realized that it was a good thing. Because if i would have had the gonads to tell said person how i have felt then i would have no clue as to where i would be right now *for better or for worse..ahaha*. Therefore i wouldn't have had the sheer gonads to say "yes" to what i am about to say yes to. --- i'm moving. at the very end of june. i am moving to washington. Cannot fucking wait. i think it will be one of the most positive things that i have done for myself in a very long time. and guess what...i am not in slightest bit scared about it at all.