epiphanies

i have had a "thing" for a guy for a little over a year now. It was just a small thing until about six months ago when my feelings really intensified. Unfortunately for me, i was what both myself and society would consider not good enough for him. He was horribly good looking, had graduated from a fabulous college, had a career, and his own place. i was working at a coffee shop and hadn't been to school in a year, and was going nowhere all too fast. So i had made the decision to make myself better so that he would be able to fall in love with me. i went back to school, and now i'm going to go to Cal State East Bay. There i'm going to pursue my long held dream of studying archaeology. i stopped partying almost completely. Gone were the thursday night drinking/dancing fests filled with cheap vodka and drunk dials. i decided to get focused on my life, and all for a guy. Because i felt that he could never love me if i weren't worth more to society. It wasn't until this past week that i had a miraculous epiphany and realized that what i was doing was utterly ridiculous. i was making the same mistake that just about every person, man or woman, makes every damn day. Trying to change yourself for someone else. It was just a cool thing that i was changing for the better, but nevertheless i was changing myself. It made me feel completely ridiculous that i would waste so much effort into making myself likeable through fixing my shortcomings. It was so mind blowing to be sitting there across from him, talking to him and and to be realizing all of this. Immediately i started to feel differently towards him. i felt like a huge weight was off of my shoulders, i didn't have to try and be good enough for him anymore. i could do things my own way, and just be good enough for myself. i'm sure he thinks that in my moving to Washington that i am making a mistake and lapsing back into my selfish, fun-loving ways. But to some degree i don't care about what he thinks anymore. He's still my friend, and for that much i will care about what he thinks, but nearly the same way as i used to. i never told him how i felt, and as i mentioned in the blog a few posts down i am really quite happy i didn't. i think i'll be in a much better place now that i have realized all of these things and can move on.