jeaniuhs

i kicked my dad's ass at jeopardy today..

Holy shit...whaaat?! She got an abortion of Christmas Eve????

i haven't posted an entry in here for quite some time. This is much due to the fact that i have had nothing of real importance to discuss. Work is work, life is life, people are well....still being themselves. Truly i feel that the behavior of people these days is nothing that can be unexpected. i've grown quite accustomed to it over the years. i just wonder if this will be the way it always is. i'm sure that i'll be just fine, dealing with people and the situations they are constantly putting themselves into. i have to be fine with it all; because they are and will always be this way. If i cannot accept them and their life choices, how am i ever to be able to call myself their friend? . . and vice versa of course. i just feel at times that the overall novelty of our friendship might have run its course. Maybe we're both too afraid to admit it? In any case of events, i'll be here...just like i always am. On another note - in exactly three months i will be landing in Paris. It still feels like a complete and total unreality *is that even a word?* i can hardly believe that i am going to do this all over again, but as a completely different person and thus making this trip so completely different. i have matured so much in the past three years, it seems unreal to me. i wonder what sort of things i'll run into while i am overseas this time. i think that i may not be so into the shenanigans that i was at 21. The nonstop drinking, the penny pinching *skipping meals so that i could afford to go out drinking*, the partying, the anonymous sex with foreigners who spoke little to no English, the sleeping in, the nights spent in hotel rooms with strangers, the constantly aching liver, the drug induced ephipanies about life, the arguements in French, the complete and total spontaneity in every aspect of living day to day. i'm not so sure that i have that in me anymore..but then again; how am i to ever be able to know these things for sure until i am there? i have become such a homebody over the course of just a year. Friday nights spent at home with a book and a cup of tea have become the norm, and the strangest thing is that i really don't mind. At first it was awful. i always felt compelled to be out during the weekend. But now, i could honestly care less. It doesn't bother me at all to have a seriously toned down version of my past social life. Going out and getting blitzed was something that i did every weekend *and more often than not during the week as well*. i lived like that for years and years, probably since i was 18... and considering that i fucked around most of the time during high school doing the same shit i would probably count those years as well. So let's think about this, i partied nonstop for close to six years. Here's hoping i can pull some shit out for Europe this summer, hah...

So i just got done watching "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" and i positively loved it. i HIGHLY recommend it. i really identified with ScarJo's character. She talks about how she's a nonconformist, spontaneous but unsure of what she wants from life or love. She mentions that she doesn't know what she wants out of life, she only knows what she doesn't want. It was an awesome movie, but i must warn you..do not watch it unless you have some wine. There is so much wine drinking going on *they are in Spain after all* that five minutes in you're gonna be dying for a glass of a nice, tasty dry Cab. i now have an unquenchable desire for some wine..and will be unable to partake in any for some time as i have work to attend to.

On that note i really need to take something up. Something that requires practice and classes. What i really want is to practice my Spanish again..or photography..or a dance class.. something. i'm just feeling really understimulated because of the lack of college right now (the courses i'm enrolled in are late start classes and don't begin for another month). What i really want is the damn Rosetta Stone CD things..but they are sooo expensive and i cannot possibly force myself to spend $400 on them. Ugh. Quite the bind i am finding myself in.

In closing i'd like to post this video.. if you are in fact Catholic and can't take a joke then don't watch it..Otherwise - enjoy.



Here's another little clip of Louis C.K.'s...if you are not aware of his wonderousness then youtube everything of his that you possibly can. He's gonna be in Sacramento at the end of the month and i am going to be there if i have to die trying. Tickets go on sale today at ten in the morning!!!

This is the remix..

Soooo..... somehow i managed to find myself semi-peer pressuring people into buying plane tickets to Europe with me....and have succeeded. Adrianna and Jenelle are coming with me. Holy shit.. Amy, Adrianna, Jenelle, and me in Europe together...i cannot fucking believe this shit.. somebody pinch me...seriously.

Past the point of no return.

Sooo... i JUST bought my plane ticket to Europe. . . i was absolutely terrified to do it. i literally have spent the last four hours pacing back and forth deciding if i should just go ahead and buy it...or wait for everyone else to come through and tell me whether or not they were gonna buy their tickets with me. Buuuuuuut. i have decided that i need to not wait any longer and just go along with it all... So..


EUROPE HERE I COME!!

Short and Sweet - like most of my friends.

So i confess that i love chick flicks. . . and is this not the biggest chick flick to ever happen -ever-? Count me the fuck in..



Ah..almost forgot..went bowling a couple of weeks ago..The theme was STDs..

Serenade

So i've fallen completely in love with Schubert's "Ständchen" ..meaning "Serenade" auf Deutsch.. i bought the sheet music so that one of the four musical genuises that float around Armijo can play it for me while i'm sitting at my desk contemplating life. It is seriously awesome teaching at Armijo and knowing the kids the way that i do. We have four -used to be five before one graduated- kids who are exceptional pianists. It's kind of crazy, they can play ANYTHING and can sight read just about anything on the spot no problem. i even had one incident where i had a Chopin song i wanted them to play, but no sheet music. So he listened to it on my iPod and then was able to learn it. i alwasy tell them that they are the reason that my children will learn the piano when they are young, even if they hate it. In the event you feel like listening to this song here's a youtube video. i wish i could find the string version of it, i like it a bit better.

If everything seems to go wrong... turn around. You're probably facing the wrong way.

Last night was the first night in ten days that i have slept in my own bed. It didn't feel odd or different at all, which slightly bothered me when i turned the lights off. i feel like in a past life that i must have been a nomad of some sort - because i cannot stand the idea of staying in one place for so long. i hate falling into routines that last longer than a year. It drives me crazy. Truly. i have to go and get a second job sometime this week. i've been putting it off for the past month and a half-ish. But now that i'm not going to Solano this semester due to their shaky accreditation i'm going to have a bit more free time. Even though i'm hella mad because i really only needed one more class there. Oh, the dreaded speech class that i have put off until the last possible semester that it can be taken. i spent Christmas break loafing around the house for a few days, and then after Christmas i housesat for my mother. One night i went out drinking and carousing the town with some friends and we went back to my mom's house to hang out for an hour before we all retired to bed. While there i engaged in a semi-drunken conversation talking abouthow bored with life i'd been for the past few months. Hadn't gone anywhere because, well i couldn't *school, work, money, life, age, etc.*. Then Louise said to me, "well, let's go to San Diego tomorrow". At first i dismissed it because it was so spur of the moment, and people don't do that sort of thing at my age anymore. But after some semi-drunken thinking about the whole thing i came up with the thought that it was a fantastic idea, something that i truly needed because of the slump i had found myself in. So after waking up the next day kinda hungover i packed a bag and drove down to SoCal. Spent New Years Eve in Disneyland, another day in San Diego, and then another in Old Town San Diego, and then the next day we drove home. It was sort of amazing. New Years Eve in Disneyland was a fucking blast, they handed out party top hats and horns and the park wasn't even really all that packed considering the 70 degree weather and holiday season. Good god i hope that when i die my ghost makes it to Disneyland. Spending an eternity there would never be enough for me. As a 23 year old woman i can say that Disneyland is still my favorite place in the world to be. On the way back San diego i got a phone call from my mom telling me that while i was gone my sister in law, Elizabeth had a stroke.



i am never going on vacation again.

Talk about a throwback - - -

Color Guard Questions

1. When did you start spinning?

in seventh grade in the '97-'98 season



2.What was the first guard/group you were in?

Dover Bulldogs.



3. How many years did you march?

Eight years.



4. What guard(s) did you march?

Dover Bulldogs, Fairfield Open Guard, San Jose Raiders World Guard, The Seattle Cascades Drum Corps.



5. What do you like better, winter guard, drum corps, or marching band?

Winter Guard, and by a fucking landslide.



6. Ever been to WGI?

Yeah, four times. My first time was in 2002, that was when the Independent World class colorguards were all phenomenal, yes even the freaky deaky dutch "Girls Gang" from the Netherlands. They were phenomenal to watch up close....it was like a freak show...but not the kind that Pride put on a few years later. i just remember that year blowing my mind more than any other year in colorguard.



7. Have you been in a guard that made WGI finals?

Sadly, only when i made it to the big guard did i ever make it to finals. That would have kicked so much ass if Fairfield would have made it that first year.



8. Best part about being in winter guard?

Oh man....as cheesy as it sounds it HAS to be the people you meet. It's the coolest feeling in the world being at a show when awards are over. i mean, you're standing on a floor bumping into people you know from all over the world because you met them at an audition months before..or met them at a party where you made out with them while taking jello shots...Winter guard is truly an amazing experience. -ALSO- rehearsals are fun as hell. **ALL** rehearsals are fun, i don't give a shit what anyone says...those were a blast. Bustin' on your blacks, standing in a formation...dancing..challenging yourself all day everyday to be better. It's truly exhilarating.



9. Worst part about being in winter guard?

When you're not as good as you should be. Damn that's the fucking worst...when you suck. Because you're never allowed to forget that *YOU* are the weak link in the equation to a gold medal. A lot of people can't handle that much pressure...Oh yeah....the money part blows balls too.



10. Best part about marching drum corps?

Ugh...getting skinny, and that's IT.



11. Worst part about marching drum corps?

Valerie worded it perfectly...and she didn't even march...how hilarious.

"I imagine its like paying for torture in the sun"

i mean...you end up getting the weirdest tan ever. you have to shower in front of like a hundred other chicks. You eat practically nothing. You wake up in the morning after maybe three hours of decent sleep and spin in the hot ass sun for around 12 hours, eight if you have a show..you eat a lame ass sandwich...pack up and get on a bus where you proceed to sit in your stinky seat and try to sleep while sitting up so that you can drive all night to the next state...Only to wake up with swollen ass feet and ankles and do it all over again the next day.

i say this but of course, a lot of people liked it. It was just not for me.



12. When did you age out/stop marching?

i stopped after 2005, i was 20 and thought i should have "grown up". Honestly, i still regret that.



13. Favorite show you were in?..

2002..Fairfield Open's "California" show. Is that lame? Whatever, it was my first Debbie and a total eye opening experience to a whole world that i never knew could exist.



14. Favorite show you were not in, but wish you could have been?

Hm.....this is practically impossible to decide.

My first love will forever be Blue Devils' "White Rabbit"

but then The San Jose Raiders had to go and do the Frida show.......

it's a toss up between the two.



15.Someone in guard you looked up to?

There are so many people that i looked up to..and for hella different reasons..Sometimes it was not that they were good at colorguard, it was just that they were really cool people and i looked up to them for that..or that they were so incredibly patient and nice. Or - they were just really hot....or most likely..they were both..hot and good.

Hmm....imma take a stab and name off like five.

Jason Flores *duh*
Valerie DeSoto
Robert Daze
Eddie Castro
Eric Aguilar

there are of course loads more.



16. Favorite equipment:

hm..sore subject, really. i was always a rifle girl..until they told me that because i didn't have a "dick"** between my legs i couldn't be seen spinning it. So i was placed on the sabre line my second year at Raiders..and then something incredibly strange happened...i LOVED spinning that sword. So, my favorite piece of equipment to spin is a sabre. But i like to watch rifles more.
** if any Raiders people are reading this i hope to god you caught that double entendre.



17. Where do you see the activity in 10 years?

Honestly, where it was ten years ago...just a lot cooler to look at.



18. What is the biggest lesson you have learned from being in guard?

That you can do and be anything in this world, so long as you are open to the change.



19. What guard that is no longer active would you love to see return?

OH! my heart aches to see The San Jose Raiders World guard of yesteryear..Also, because i'm a wispy and nostalgic kinda girl i'd LOVE to see The Blue Devils World guard take the floor again.



20. Do you think winter guard will ever get on T.V.

Nope. No one will get it. Nobody that isn't directly linked to the activity understands it. i find that in describing this activity people take an apologetic approach. "Yeah, i did that dancy thing a few years back...you know where they spin around flags...it's cooler than you think i swear". Even when you show them your highly coveted VHS copies of the legendary "Summertimez" show they laugh at the tights the boys are wearing and ignore the perfectly executed ripple work in the back corner. They have no clue that what is looking so effortlessly beautiful on the screen is the most strenuous and demanding activity out there. So for that reason, i almost don't want winter guard on the T.V. i don't want something that i love that much to be bastardized like that.

i think it took me three hours to finish this list.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.


1. Read The Bible - i feel that as someone who has a lot of criticism regarding Christianity, i should at least be knowledgable about it. i found a nifty translation into American English, rather than Ye Olde British English. It's available online. It's here in case you're interested.

2. Read the complete works of Anne Rice, with the excpetion of her Jesus book that just came out with *she just found god* and maybe her erotic novels.. i got around three chapters in before i was horribly disturbed, granted i was 17 when i first tried reading it, we'll see....i've read 10 out of 20 so far.

3. Visit the greater part of western Europe, the places i consider "important"
i consider these countries "important":
Portugal, Spain, France, Ireland, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Austria, The Czech Republic, Poland, Sweden, Romania, Greece, and Romania..i'm going to count Russia as it's own separate trip, because well hell..you can't do the Motherland in a week. Out of those 16, i've been to six..so i've got quite a ways to go. i'm counting on going to three of those that i haven't been to yet this summer.

4. Go wine tasting in Napa. i am a complete and total lover of wine, i live about 40 minutes away from Napa..so why in the hell have i never gone? i need to get on top of this stat.

5. Visit the MoMA in New York.

6. Go to a football game. Yep, that's right. i've never been to one.

7. Learn to read music.

8. Go to a Lisa Williams show. i know it's completely ridiculous how much i love her. But i genuinely believe that she can see/talk to dead people. How fucking cool is that?

9. Take a painting class - i'm thinking that i will need to take a drawing class first. i'm not trying to be the ONE idiot in that class.

10. See it snow in live action. i've only ever seen snow after it's already fallen.

11. Learn French.

12. Learn how to cook bacon without making it too damn crispy. i ruin it EVERYTIME, even though i can cook just about anything in the world. Bacon is like my kryptonite.

13. See a Broadway production on actual Broadway.

14. Re-buy a Nintendo 64 and officially beat Banjo-Kazooie. i never defeated the damned witch, rescued the sister though.

15. Throw something at Akon. i'd like to see him try to toss me offstage. Fucker.

16. Listen to Li Young Lee read one of his poems with my own ears and with his own voice.

17. Memorize all of the United States and their respective capitals. Maybe i'll buy one of those pencils.

18. Force myself to like sushi. i fucking hate sushi, but it's so damned pretty to look at that i find myself so jealous when people are eating it. i like my teriyaki chicken just fine though; with a fork too please.

19. Take an advanced poetry writing class. i've taken two creative writing classes in the past, where the bulk of the stuff written was poetry. They were both pretty rudimentary though, and i didn't get the hang of poetry writing until the end of the second class.

20. See Hugh Grant in the flesh. For some odd reason i feel like if there were ever famous person that i would bump into, it would be him. i looked for him the whole time i was in London. He lives in Notting Hill, yes like the movie he was in, and i intend to stake the area out Jack McFarland style.

21. On that note - See every episode of Will & Grace.

22. Get accepted to CSUEB.

23. Perfect driving a manual car. i am FAR from it.

24. Learn how to change a tire.

25. Learn how to change the oil in my car.

26. Get better at Chess. i used to play a lot with my dad. But not so much in the past year, i need to fix that.

27. Watch all 100 of the Greatest Films of all time, according to this list. i figure AMC wouldn't lie.

28. Pay off my credit card debt. Ugh, don't remind me.

29. Take a flamenco dance class, or 20 of them.

30. Learn how to take decent photographs.. of the artst fartsy persuasion.

31. Babysit a child for 8 hours. Just to remind myself why i vowed never to spawn.

32. Learn to type without looking at the keyboard. i'm pretty close, except i always have a million typos.

33. Learn to play a song on the guitar.

34. See a live ballet performance by an excellent company.

35. Exercise at least three times a week.

36. Get a facial... the kind you pay for.

37. Go golfing.

38. Create a portrait of my dogs.

39. Participate in the Bay to Breakers. *May 17, 2009* Also, dress ridiculously.

40. Build a sandcastle - - but a good one, a really good one.

41. Stay off the computer after 8:00 p.m. for a week.

42. Improve upon my classical music knowledge - Chopin, Rachmaninov, Mozart, Beethoven, Liszt, Bach...etc. etc.

43. See Bjork in concert again, this time hoping she will be better.

44. Go ice skating in San Francisco. *goes until Jan. 4th*

45. Send in a secret to Postsecret.

46. Learn a card trick.

47. Pay for the person behind me in the drive through.

48. Keep a food diary for at least 2 weeks.

49. Begin a dream diary.

50. Meditate for at least 30 minutes nightly before bed for one week.

51. Make a soundtrack for my life.

52. Buy a new car.

53. Get a colon cleanse. It would just be too good of a story.

54. Complete another detox for 10 days.

55. Sing in every shower I take for a month.

56. Play WoW for an hour someday. i have to see what all the fuss is about.

57. Get a pretty ring, and wear it everyday for a month.

58. See the Aurora Borealis.

59. Take a multivitamin daily for a month.

60. Solve a Rubik's Cube.

61. Live to be 24.

62. Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, instead of paying the 5 Euros to take the elevator.

63. Change my hair drastically.

64. Read "Mein Kampf"

65. Drink no alcohol for a whole month.

66. Frame the various pieces of art i have put away.

67. Go to Las Vegas and actually have a good time. *i'm 0 for 3*

68. Get someone else to do the 101 Goals list.

69. Wake up right after the alarm goes off for a week.

70. Go and see an opera.

71. Buy a new cell phone.

72. Get a new tattoo.

73. Go laser tagging.

74. Go a day without speaking.

75. Start and finish Europe scrapbook from first trip.

76. Drink the 8 8 oz. glasses of water needed everyday for a month.

77. Visit my family in Missouri.

78. Ride on a train - not BART-

79. Re-learn how to fold paper cranes and hang 1000 of them from my ceiling.*tell me you remember that book*

80. Shoot a gun.

81. Get fingerprinted at District Office - something i was supposed to do forever ago.

82. Sponsor someone in a charity walk.

83. Spend a day in San Francisco alone.

84. Get a new lipstick color that suits me.

85. Go on a cruise.

86. Beautify my desk space at Armijo.

87. Plan my funeral.

88. Visit all of the States. i'm probably a little over halfway done, i'll have to consult my list.

89. Stretch daily.

90. Fix the purses that need fixen'. *sew handles/pockets, buff leather, etc.*

91. Go somewhere cool with my dad.

92. Identify 100 things that make me happy.

93. Clear out the garage, as most of the clutter belongs to me and my childhood.

94. Memorize five of Shakespeare's sonnets.

95. Get a 3.3 GPA.

96. Write a piece of fan mail.

97. Watch a live Cirque Du Soleil show.

98. Learn how to make Mama's spaghetti.

99. Build a fort out of chairs and sheets, spend an hour in it.

100. Complete one year of Project 365.

101. Donate $10 for each goal not reached.

Custom Countdowns & MySpace Layouts

We're kissing without kissing.

Abstract Expressionism..is there anything that is more of a trip? i mean there are the obvious stars of genre, De Kooning and Pollock to name a couple. But i just stumbled upon my favorite. Francis Bacon. His paintings resemble nightmares out of the darkest of brains. He was born in 1909 and died in 1992, and lived in Europe..which tells you what horrors he witnessed in his lifetime, thus explaining his penchant for the darkness in his work. i consider myself a slightly over the top morbid person who delights in most everything pertaining to death, ghosts, and other monsters. i was raised this way by my mother who is the same herself. So it should come to no surprise that i LOVE Bacon's work. He did a study of a piece by Diego Velazquez, my second favorite Spanish painter..followed only by Francisco Goya, another lover of all things dark. He painted a bunch of different interpretations of Velazquez's "Portrait of Pope Innocent X". My favorite is of course the most popular of these different studies.

Diego Velazquez - Portrait of Pope Innocent X


Francis Bacon - Study after Velazquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X

Kind of amazing, yes?

Alright - back to water molecules with their polar covalent bonds..UGH!! i fucking hate Science.

Bee Tea Double-You

Listen to this - i swear to Christ you will not be disappointed.

California in December.

i was in Vacaville tonight. Drinking a bit, after i finished a long essay. Around two in the morning Jenelle grabbed my arm and dragged my semi-belligerent self outside through the side gate of her house. i shuffled through the thousand yellow leaves on the ground and stood in the middle of the street sipping my Corona. Then i noticed what she was wanting me to see. The fog. It was eeriely beautiful . . . as cliche as that sounds. You could barely see the house across the street. The streetlights set off this wonderful yellow glow. In the near distance you could hear the geese honking on the Vaca High football field. It was without a doubt, one of the most breathtaking experiences in my life. Jenelle and i stood in the middle of the street for what seemed an eternity, silent...just listening to the sounds of December in California. It made me so incredibly happy to be alive and where i'm at in my life. It's amazing to feel that way sometimes. It happens only occasionally.
But when it does, holy shit is it amazing.

______

So, you know that question that people always ask.

If you could host a dinner party with five people who were already dead, who would you invite?

Well, i know who i would invite.

Freddie Mercury
Oscar Wilde
Lucille Ball
Anne Frank
William Shakespeare

i'd be slightly worried that Freddie, Oscar, and Billy would engage in some freaky threesome though. But because it's MY dinner party, such things would be frowned upon and otherwise not allowed. That is of course, unless it would be okay for me to watch/partake in.

i don't know how or why i got to thinking about this nonsense. But i must admit that i took a few months to come to this conclusion. i ruled out quite a few people. Shuffled around the guest list. Switched people in, then out, then back in again. i feel that this would be a spectacular guest list. Hopefully when i die this can be made possible. i know some people may seem a bit strange, but i just love everything that came out of their brains and/or souls while they were alive. i feel like if i could take in their essence for only an hour or so it would truly be amazing experience.

______


i thought about this year the other day, and i realized that it was over. i regret nothing that happened. i fully believe that this is the first time that i can say that. This was for sure a year that i will never forget. Not because it was an exceptional time full of wonderous memories. But more so because this year i grew as a woman more than i ever have in the time span that i have been alive. i think i am grateful for 2008, it opened my eyes to the horrible things that can happen to people...the sometimes harsh reality and how to deal/live with it all. i have matured a lot. It took me losing people from my life, gaining people in my life, experiencing new things, and no longer experiencing things that i used to do frequently to know that i am in fact, a good person. i am happy with who i am as a 23 year old woman. This next year i know that things are only going to change to another extreme. Everything in my life could possibly change. We'll find out sometime in July. Just around when i get back from Europe. i hate it so much. i hate the prospect of failure. College is just so fucked up like that. i truly cannot believe that i have arrived at this point in my life where i could actually enter "adulthood". It's almost sickening. Eh. i'm gonna go spoon with my Chihuahua now.

i go through life like a karate kid

So i'm looking into the final details of my plane/train tickets to Europe. All i can say is that i am fucking stoked. May-June will be a blast, i'm going to most of the same places that i went to last time, with a few more thrown in there. London, Barcelona, Madrid, Rome, Florence, Venice, Paris, a shitload of a lot of places in Germany, and then Greece. i'm also lookin' into Switzerland and Austria..because - - well hell, there right in the middle of all of those damn countries.. it would be stupid to not hop off the train and check it out. Wasn't it in Vienna where Before Sunrise was set? Yeah, it could be worth it to check that out. i decided that this time i'm going to try and be a tourist more of the shit to see, rather than a tourist of the local bars/clubs. i'm gonna try real, real hard. Tickets are pretty reasonable right now *around a grand, nonstop*. There's something strange that i find myself thinking about when buying plane tickets for somwhere. You know how when you are on some site like expedia, and you enter in the destination and dates? There's a window that pops up with all the different options for you to choose from. i always think about which of those planes might crash. Like - - i'm lazy, so i always choose an afternoon flight over an early morning flight if the price is close. But as i pay for the afternoon flight i think about whether or not that one is destined to blow up and fall into the ocean in a molten pile of metal and human flesh. . . and if i should've sucked it up and picked the early mornign flight so that i can save my life. . . Can you tell i'm terrified of flying? i mean seriously, i am so afraid of flying it is DISGUSTING. i have to be completely trashed, and then even still i have to call my mom when i am getting ready to board the plane, in order to cry to her. Last time i flew to Europe on the ten hour flight i was schnockered on sleeping pills and red wine. i still couldn't manage to sleep (due in part to the old lady sleeping on my arm, the excellent movie choices, and the slight panic attack i was having). Whatever is the case i'm going to Europe this summer. . Here's praying that i don't come back this time.

The curve of your lips rewrite history.

Would you say they find me unstable?

The past four days have been the ultimate blur. What was supposed to be a fucking blast of a week turned into the worst week of my life to date. It started out just fine - went and saw Doug Stanhope live, he was amazing. Got to hang out with him and his girlfiend for a while there. Drinking into oblivion. i was awake until around eight in the morning partying with some friends. i fell asleep and woke up around ten in the morning to the hotel room phone ringing. It was pitch black in the room and i couldn't find the phone so it stopped ringing. i realized i was alone in the room, Jenelle and Tiki went to the beach. So i laid back down in the bed and started to fall back asleep. Not a minute later the alarm clock in the room went off. i then flew into a full fledged panic. Smacking the shit out of the alarm clock and crawling under the blankets. About an hour later the girls came slithering back into the hotel room. Still laying in bed with my eyes closed i mumbled how the room was haunted. They of course assumed that i was drunk/hungover/sleeptalking/crazy. i rolled over and went back to sleep. Around hour after that i woke up to my phone ringing, and it was my sisters ringtone. My Aunt Vikki was in the hospital in Vallejo being read her last rights and getting an emergency baptism. It was the first moment in my life that i had no idea what to do. i was just standing there in the bathroom holding onto the phone while my sister rattled on and on about how my mother was a mess, and how they found her, and how my own grandmother had to give her youngest daughter CPR. All of these horrible images are being flooded into my brain and i'm standing in the hotel bathroom sobbing like a five year old girl without the slightest clue of what to do. i end up catching a cab, hopping on Bart, walking what seems miles dragging a suitcase to my truck parked in Martinez, hopping on 4, hopping on 680, hopping on 780, then hopping on 80, getting lost in Vallejo like i always, and eventually stumble into the waiting room...on maybe four hours of hungover sleep. We stay in the waiting room until.. well actually i have no idea how long we were in there. All i know is that it was a long ass time, and then we get news. She went so long without oxygen to her brain, to the point where she is 80-90% braindead. Meaning, she is going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life. The doctors want to run more tests, and will know more the next day.. so we leave. The next day we're there at the hospital again because my grandma has to make a decision. Everyone in my family is Mexican and therefore, Catholic. So there's this belief that Christ died on a Friday sometime around three o'clock *the ninth hour*. So there's this belief that when people die around this time their passing is easier. So at 2:45 p.m. my Grandma tells them to pull the plug. We're packed in the room when they do it. Just watching the pulse get lower and lower. i'm listening to my grandma talk to my Auntie and my mother is having a complete breakdown. My brother and sister in law are clutching onto eachother. i'm standing there watching everything. And looking out the window. Then looking at her pulse. And the whole time i am thinking to myself that this has to be a horrible dream. That i am going to wake up in that haunted ass hotel room and then go to see Mason Jennings. i pondered praying to god, even though i don't believe in him. i was just so hopelessly sad. She died within 15-20 minutes of them pulling the plug. After everything happened i was so devoid of everything, i was walking outside with Ian. He says to me, "are you gonna be alright? i mean...your favorite Aunt - your only Aunt just died." i nodded and told him not to worry, that i was "cool". But it was only when he said that, that everything became real. That this was the first person close to me, to go away. This wasn't some obscure cousin i knew when i was four. This wasn't some person i went to high school with that maybe said three words to me during the course that i knew them. This wasn't some distant friend, relative, acquaintance, celebrity, co-worker. Instead, it was a woman that helped raise me. It was a woman who i cared for so intensly. It was a woman who helped name me when i was born. i just can't believe that i am never going to talk with her again. Never going to laugh with her ever again. It hurts so bad. Everything hurts. i just want to scream as loud as i can. i'm so angry. i'm so sad. i'm so worried. i know that i am completely rambling, but i'm just typing as it comes to my head. This isn't something i'm concerned about having sound right or nice, i just need to let some out this out. A few months back her eyesight was really going away bad, even after surgeries. She was a hardcore reader, and it's because of her mostly that i am such a bookworm myself. Anyways, well she got me hooked on Harry Potter, even though i was psychopathically anti-Potter. It's true -just ask any of my friend from high school. After weeks and weeks of coaxing, she got me to read the first chapter of the first book. Then it was a done deal--- my Auntie turned me into a Pot-Head. So when her eyes went away i went over to the house and began to read to her. i got insanely busy/lazy and never got to finish the books with her. i feel awful. i feel like an awful person. And yeah, i know..you aren't supposed to do that kind of thing when someone you love dies. i've always told other people all of those lame things like "they wouldn;t want you to feel this way...blah blah blah". i will now, never tell anyone anything even remotely like that. Because it is lame and in no way shape or form makes me feel better. i feel awful and there is nothing that can change that. i will probably always feel awful. and miss her. and wish that i could have changed something, anything. Ugh. i'm over this.

i hate that life goes on.

His name was Robert Paulson.

So i've had a freakishly strange crush on James McAvoy since he did the Narnia movie. Then he had to go and do Atonement and the obsession has gotten worse. Now there are rumors circulating that he may play Bilbo Baggins in the two hobbit movies. i would be so stoked if he did in fact play Mr. Baggins.

i'm feeling SUPER dorky right now..i've been reading up on Spiderman, The Hobbit, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for an hour now. All the speculations about movies that haven't even been made yet does my antsy ass no good.

The spider who cried wolf.

i consider myself an extremely brave person. Except when it comes to two things, which i have a zero tolerance policy for.

One) Rollercoasters *anything encompassing a free fall moment combined with an upside down moment*

and

Two) Bugs *especially in the arachnid family*

i can't even kill the things. They terrify me that much. A couple of weeks ago my sister and i were getting ready to go to rehearsal at Armijo. Just as we were praising ourselves for finally being on time, my sister let out a pitiful squeal. She grabbed my arm and put herself behind me, all the while shaking and twitching like her chihuahua who was laying down in the hallway blissfully ignorant of what lay in the bathroom. i peered over to the area that my sister pointed at, and there laying on the bathroom mat was the largest spider i have ever laid eyes on in the state of California. It just sat there with its back to us, kicking it like it had rights to be there or something. Jordan and i then got into a five minute argument over who had to kill it. She found it, therefore i felt she had to kill it. i'm older, therefore she felt that i had to kill it. On and on this went until we decided to kill it together. Armed with a shoe and a spray can of poison we then fell into another two minute debate over who had to squish it with the shoe, being that neither of us could handle the sound or the feeling of the crunch of the exoskeleton. Finally i manned up an snatched the shoe from her because i was now late for work. Unfortunately, because i am such a pussy it took at least three minutes of me gaining the courage to first enter the bathroom where the spider still lay unmoved. Then it took another couple of minutes for me to walk up to the spider, freak out and scamper away, walk back into the bathroom, freak out, yell at Jordan and curse the world for planting such a creature in my home, back away from said creature, and then tip toe back into the bathroom. Finally i slammed the shoe down on the spider as hard as i possibly could. As soon as the feat was done i ran backwards, half expecting the shoe to start moving because the spider was so behemoth i figured that something as small as a shoe was no match for it. i shoved Jordan in the bathroom so she could lift the shoe and spray it with enough Raid to kill Mary-Kate Olsen. She of course made me lift the shoe, and when i did..go figure, the spider was hardly even phased by the attempt on its life. He launched in a full fledged attack on its would be murderers. Jordan and i both yelped helpessly as she sprayed and sprayed and sprayed...there was a puddle of Raid foaming up from the spot where the spider, still moving mind you, began to slow its life. i placed the shoe back on it and left a note to all warning of the spider carcass under the shoe.

When i was much younger and living with my mother and father i used to delight in killing ants. i would catch one between my fingers and rip its body in half. Yes, very disturbing and probably a sign of what sort of a person i would later become. But nevertheless i found it intriguing. i blame this infatuation on my mother. During the wet seasons, on our backyard patio there was a spot that slugs like to accumulate. My mother would grab a giant jar of salt and cackle mercilessly as she poured salt on the back half of the slug. Slowly she would sprinkle salt up the back and finally onto the head of each slug. i had to admit, i found it intriguing. Imagine being disinigrated by giants. It blew both mine and my sisters minds. A little bit later on in life after my parents had seperated and my sister and ilived with my mom. Occasionally, a spider *usually of the Daddy Long Leg variety* would creep into our home. My mom would smash it with a slipper, or whatever was handy. Then, instead of cleaning it up she would leave it there to "warn the others of their fate, if they were to lurk in our home". Sometimes she would even go so far as to put clear tape over their dead bodies. i forgot all about these incidents until about a month ago when my sister laughed about it with me. i find this so interesting because about two years ago i was painting my new room. The window had no screen on it, but i had to have the window open because getting high on fumes is only fun for so long. As a result mosquitos kept creeping in and landing on the ceiling that i was painting. So i painted over the stupid asses and laughed maniacally all the while telling my father that i was doing so to ward off anymore bugs from coming in. It's crazy how things carry on though time much to our ignorance of doing so.

Anyway - - Today while doing laundry i noticed not two inches away from my naked foot was a gigantic wolf spider. i panicked. Completely panicked. i grabbed a giant jug of bleach and poured almost the whole bottle on the fucker. In the process of doing so i ruined my favorite shirt and still didn't manage to kill the bastard. He scurried under the washing machine while i ran away. i then hopped on the internet to try and figure out how to fix the current situation. Apparently, wolf spiders in the home are VERY common for the Fall, because they're looking for a warm place to live. They are very non-aggressive, and they lay eggs that attach to their bodies..when the eggs hatch the babies stay attached to the mother...FUCKING SICK! i would lose it if i saw this.




Fucking christ...i dunno what i'm gonna do if i have to deal with anymore of these creatures!

Sunday!

Damn - that's a good one. i am feeling more accomplished right now then i have in a very long time. The sememster is almost done, thank you god. After i get done with my last final i am going to go on the craziest trip in the world, i think. i'm going to go crazy.

Barack Obama won the election last week. i wasn't really gung ho for the guy until a few days before the voting took place. i was fully intending on voting for him, but only because Sarah Palin terrified me. What changed my mind to really be intot he dude was when he did the interview on the Daily Show a few days before the election. It was kinda cool to see him as a normal human being. It's kind of hard to listen to everything he has to say. Being an American woman from the time period i'm from has rendered me slightly more than skeptical of anything that just about anyone has to say, whether it's regarding politics or the weather. So for someone to come in and say that he is going to try to fix the mess that has been created over the past decade or so just sounds completely ridiculous and totally full of shit. It was near impossible for me to believe him. i just figured he was an amazing public speaker and he was sputtering flowers from his mouth so people would vote democratic. But after the interview with the Daily Show, i looked at him for the first time and thought that maybe i could think somewhat positive for a change. Maybe this guy was for real. Maybe he did want things to be different and for the better. Maybe he didn't just want to get into power for his own financial gain. Maybe he wasn't his parties puppet with the strings being tweaked around by large corporate businesses. So i voted for him, and not just cause the Alaskan woman with the hairpieces scared me. Here's hoping things work out for him. It'll be just too much for the struggling optimist in me to take if it turns out he was full of shit the whole time.

Took to drinking as religion and landed on my knees

You go Glen Coco!

Fuck.

i just spent all day going through my comments over the course of almost five years on myspace. It's insane how much can change over time. All i know is that this put my brain in a very, very strange place. Most of the people that posted comments i'm still friends with. But i would stand to say that we are all no where even close to what we used to be. People i toured the country with in 2004, i don't talk to them at all anymore. People i performed with in Raiders, i see only in passing maybe once a year. Friends that were like family i see maybe three times a year, and we have nothing to talk about anymore except "how we're doing and what we've been up to". Dennis from Vallejo...he was there too *lol*. Then again, i have the people that i still see and talk to daily, and it makes me grateful that i still have them in my life. i just wonder what would be going on if i hadn't of been so selfish in these past five years. i am a completely different person now. i'm better in a lot of aspects and worse in a couple of aspects as well. Do i regret anything? Not anymore. After going through and taking in all of the phases i went through, and the people that influenced my life i realize that i am right where i am supposed to be. And instead of being scared, like how i always was, i am instead so fucking excited with where i'm at and where i intend to go in my life. And on that note - i'm off to go drinking with some friend on a school night. Something i never do. Something i used to always do. But i need to see these people, because i love them and am only just now realizing how easy it would be to have them fade from my life if i were to neglect them. Which is something i unfortunately used to do in the past as well.




Also - i found a picture of my on the tour bus during drum corps... i am never eating again. hah! gotta love being 19.