Damn. It has been a hot stinking minute since i last had a blog all of my very own. i've just had damned myspace for the past four and a half years or so, and have used their blog. But i have felt the need to have something different. A change, if you will. i almost don't know where to start. a journal. all to myself. Well i suppose i could just start with one of the main things that have been bothering me for the past few days. So, on Sunday i went to a baby shower. It was fun to see people that i haven't seen in a while. Until i looked around the table and realized to my complete horror...that everyone at the table was either married, engaged, had kids, or was pregnant. EVERYONE. That is except for me and Amy. And she doesn't really count being that she cannot legally marry, and would have to go to a sperm bank to have a kid. But the thought kept popping in my head about what the hell the rush was all about to get hitched, drop calves, and get divorced..Seriously, that does NOT sound like that great of a time to me. Not yet anyway. Don't get me wrong that sounds like THE thing to do in about ehh....three years or so. i had a miniature panic attack sitting at the table mindlessly munching on chips and wondering if the rumors could be true. That i was in fact *gasp* OLD. i have this feeling that women my age (22, almost 23) have been in a hurry to grow up all their lives. We were always told that we could go to college, get careers; or get married and shit out children...it was OUR choice. Either way, we could do whatever we wanted. THE WORLD WAS OURS! Therefore, when we were younger all we could ever think about was, "i can't wait until i can get out of here...i'm gonna be so successful!" We imagined the great college we would go to, the big house we would live in, the beautiful husband we would meet while vacationing in Europe. We were a generation of dreamers. Then we grew up. Reality set in. If you wanted these things, you had to work your ass off for them. Nothing came as easily as we thought they would. For certain people, like myself, this hit at home much harder than others..and we got stuck, out of frustration. Wondering what went wrong and where the hell our mansion was we were promised in MASH RAP we became bitter and cynical. We scoffed at the mere idea of happiness and were much more resigned with the idea of doing whatever the fuck we wanted while not thinking about it all that much. We did this, because it was much easier. To ignore the nowhere our life was headed to. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, boredom sets in. The realization hits that, this is the best you're ever gonna get. You start to think, is this the kind of person I want to be in five years?
i have just come to realize that this rant i have been on for the past few minutes is moreso for me..that is, it pertains more to my life than to anyone else. Regardless of this realization. it is how i feel. Somewhere around September of last year i decided that i absolutley HATED where my life was going and decided to fix that. Instead of just assuming that magic was going to occur and i would wake up one day and be successful, i have taken matters into my own hand. Yes, it totally bothers me at what a late start i'm getting compared to everyone else i know. But i think it may be something i can get over.
i don't really have a choice now, do i?
1 comment:
Oddly, I attended 3 weddings last summer and all were people in their early 20's who were college graduates. I'm not saying they're the norm by any means, but it's certainly possible to be engaged or married while still maintaining career goals. I do agree that there shouldn't be a rush to get married, but these couples had all been together for 4+ years and they felt ready.
On the flip side, there are a lot of people who date briefly and decide they're sooo ready to be together FOREVER without ever considering major compatibility issues. That's why the divorce rate still hovers around 50% - people misunderstand the the permanence that the word "marriage" implies.
I have the "oh my lord I'm the only unmarried person here" moment on a regular basis, so you're obviously not alone :) Take your time finding yourself because this is supposed to be the funnest part of our lives, apparently ;)
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